21 Mar 2017 - Out plan
Evening.
Day 25 on Lexapro.
Mood: 4.6
I'm just as overwhelmed by things today as I was yesterday, compounded by the fact that I didn't get enough sleep last night and am consequently very irritable. There's just so much to do in such a short period of time, and my surefire period of productivity - 1am to 3am - can't feasibly be utilized.
When I wasn't fretting about what needs to be done, I spent time thinking about my "out" plan, to euphemize it. I recognize that it isn't at all a healthy thing to consider, but working towards one that is foolproof and figuring out the logistics of it - when I'd carry it out, where, whether or not I'd leave a note, who should find me - is oddly comforting. It gives me an exit if things ever get to the point of being beyond what I can tolerate.
I told Favorite Person that I wasn't suicidal when I mentioned it briefly to her, but some part of me isn't so sure. This is the kind of thing that you're supposed to tell your doctor, but I'm afraid to bring it up, since I don't want the severity of it to be overstated. I've heard horror stories of people ending up in institutions after mentioning that they're having suicidal thoughts to their psychiatrists, and that's an outcome that I want to avoid at all costs. The only situation where I want to be in a mental hospital is if I reach the point of being a legitimate threat to myself, which I currently am not.
I've noticed lately that my mood seems to be much less stable, rapidly fluctuating between feeling absolutely terrible and feeling just fine. If I start the day feeling like garbage, the most improvement I think is normal for me is returning to my baseline by the end of the day. Waking up feeling distinctly bad and then feeling bouncy and playful a few hours later, the way I have on several occasions in the past week or so, is concerning, because that's not usually how I go.
I'm going to have a lot to discuss with my psychiatrist Friday.
There was a counseling session today as well. I've felt, for the past few sessions, that my counselor has been focusing on the exact wrong things when we meet - recognizing and accepting negative emotions when they come up, changing negative thoughts, taking time for self-care, stuff like that - but I don't know exactly how to tell her what would be a better use of the time. It's not like I don't know what would be more helpful for me, because I know exactly what I need to be working on - elucidating why I'm so terrified that I'll be abandoned by everyone I hold dear (especially by Favorite Person), steadily loosening my perception of my worth as a human being as being inextricably connected to my academic and career success, working on my tendency to berate myself harshly for even the smallest mistakes, to name a few. It's as though I don't want to show exactly how broken and damaged I truly am, even though it's my counselor's job is to fix me, or to help me fix myself. I'm not entirely comfortable opening up about these things to her, and I can't figure out why.
Each session for a few sessions now has been concluded with her asking if the preceding 45 minutes or so were helpful. My answer is always "yes", and I hate myself a little more each time for being unable to be fully truthful. I'm not getting as much out of the time I have with her as I could, and I'm not making as much progress fighting this thing as I should be.
It seems that whenever I've made n progress in some area, I feel like where I actually should be is n + 1, regardless of what the area is or how far I've gone. My standard for myself is always higher than where I currently stand. The bar is always set higher than what I can reach.
I'm gonna try to sleep off the feeling that I'm an irredeemable failure.
Until then.
21 Mar 2017
Day 25 on Lexapro.
Mood: 4.6
I'm just as overwhelmed by things today as I was yesterday, compounded by the fact that I didn't get enough sleep last night and am consequently very irritable. There's just so much to do in such a short period of time, and my surefire period of productivity - 1am to 3am - can't feasibly be utilized.
When I wasn't fretting about what needs to be done, I spent time thinking about my "out" plan, to euphemize it. I recognize that it isn't at all a healthy thing to consider, but working towards one that is foolproof and figuring out the logistics of it - when I'd carry it out, where, whether or not I'd leave a note, who should find me - is oddly comforting. It gives me an exit if things ever get to the point of being beyond what I can tolerate.
I told Favorite Person that I wasn't suicidal when I mentioned it briefly to her, but some part of me isn't so sure. This is the kind of thing that you're supposed to tell your doctor, but I'm afraid to bring it up, since I don't want the severity of it to be overstated. I've heard horror stories of people ending up in institutions after mentioning that they're having suicidal thoughts to their psychiatrists, and that's an outcome that I want to avoid at all costs. The only situation where I want to be in a mental hospital is if I reach the point of being a legitimate threat to myself, which I currently am not.
I've noticed lately that my mood seems to be much less stable, rapidly fluctuating between feeling absolutely terrible and feeling just fine. If I start the day feeling like garbage, the most improvement I think is normal for me is returning to my baseline by the end of the day. Waking up feeling distinctly bad and then feeling bouncy and playful a few hours later, the way I have on several occasions in the past week or so, is concerning, because that's not usually how I go.
I'm going to have a lot to discuss with my psychiatrist Friday.
There was a counseling session today as well. I've felt, for the past few sessions, that my counselor has been focusing on the exact wrong things when we meet - recognizing and accepting negative emotions when they come up, changing negative thoughts, taking time for self-care, stuff like that - but I don't know exactly how to tell her what would be a better use of the time. It's not like I don't know what would be more helpful for me, because I know exactly what I need to be working on - elucidating why I'm so terrified that I'll be abandoned by everyone I hold dear (especially by Favorite Person), steadily loosening my perception of my worth as a human being as being inextricably connected to my academic and career success, working on my tendency to berate myself harshly for even the smallest mistakes, to name a few. It's as though I don't want to show exactly how broken and damaged I truly am, even though it's my counselor's job is to fix me, or to help me fix myself. I'm not entirely comfortable opening up about these things to her, and I can't figure out why.
Each session for a few sessions now has been concluded with her asking if the preceding 45 minutes or so were helpful. My answer is always "yes", and I hate myself a little more each time for being unable to be fully truthful. I'm not getting as much out of the time I have with her as I could, and I'm not making as much progress fighting this thing as I should be.
It seems that whenever I've made n progress in some area, I feel like where I actually should be is n + 1, regardless of what the area is or how far I've gone. My standard for myself is always higher than where I currently stand. The bar is always set higher than what I can reach.
I'm gonna try to sleep off the feeling that I'm an irredeemable failure.
Until then.
21 Mar 2017
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