Treatment Records

Happy Earth Day.  Day 58 on Lexapro. I'm extremely tired, and I don't forsee that changing.  Mood: 2 - 5.  I think that I'll add a descriptive component to my representation of my mood, because a number alone doesn't give enough information. They'll likely make more sense to me than to anyone else, but that's fine.  Like fire and acid and seismic forces in membranous crystal, hung upon silken thread above the sighing void;  and  The nameless being looks about in terror, suddenly no longer able to make sense of the patterns whose meaning came so easily; and  Slowly, with both resignation and determination, layer after layer peel away, until the core lay bare. Today, I marched for science. I didn't have a witty sign, or any sign, but I showed up in support. While there, I chatted at length with a geophysics professor, about my motivations for marching, my distaste for the underabundance of attention pair to invertebrates, and about my re...

[ insert greeting ] Day 53 on escitalopram. The tiredness is definitely back, after a very brief absence. Even though I went to sleep last night and woke up this morning at regular times, I nodded off during my first class (which otherwise holds my attention well, and I never sleep in). I was so tired this afternoon that, after a late lunch, I took a nap that ballooned into a three hour sleep, and even after that, I'm still ready to crawl back into bed and stay there for thirteen or fourteen hours.  Mood: 3. It would be higher, but the dreams I had during the short-sleep were bitter, and the productivity I lost whilst napping saps any good mood.  My head feels like it's full of mountain fog, and summary refuses to precipitate out of the mist, like making out what is carried in whispers within a hall blanketed with dust. I no longer recall exactly how I felt today, just that it was distinctly not good, with the pervasive sense of being a failure, as always. And the desire...

Day 46 on Lexapro.  Mood: 2.7 Reasons to die: Permanent end to the pain No longer a source of financial strain No longer a burden to anyone  No more failures  No more disappointment  No more hoping for relief that won't come No more extreme guilt No more shame  Eternal peace Reasons to live: Death would cause Favorite Person and Soul Sister extreme pain Don't want to let the multiple stressors group down Don't want to let the lab group down    Cats won't understand why I never come home  Fish depend on me  Co-admins need a bee expert Haven't been to all 50 states yet Haven't caught a bee from all 50 states yet Haven't upheld my promises to name bees after people yet  Haven't gotten a bachelor's yet  Haven't gotten a PhD yet  Haven't seen the ocean  Haven't met internet friends yet  Haven't dated anyone yet  Wouldn't have opportunities to reread The Amber Spyglass  otherwise Str...

Day 45 on Lexapro. Mood: 2.5  I've reached a point of being profoundly tired - of fighting, of feeling terrible all the time, of the extreme and intractable guilt, of the sensation that things will never get better, of everything. The same old suicidal thoughts are stronger than ever, vivid, a release that I'd never be capable of achieving. They're no longer a plague; they've become a distant promise that will never be fulfilled.  Every part of me just wants to rest.  In the end, we are nowhere Sleepless and still intact Maybe we shouldn't fall asleep Saving what was left behind Standing outside the chalk outline Besides ourselves in time The only thing I want is the last thing I need Awake and sleepless as stars shine  09 Apr 2017 

Evening.  Day 44 on escitalopram.  Mood: Seven, and two.  Today was the first day of field work for the pollinator inventory that I'm being paid to assist with. We hiked up a trail - clambering over some rocks, crossing a tiny stream under a tinier waterfall - and solidified our methods in this big, beautiful semi-wooded area that was absolutely carpeted with flowers. There were tons of blue-eyed maries, dense patches of Virginia bluebells, vibrant dwarf larkspurs, showy celandine poppies, spring beauties, violets and pansies in many colors, quizzical Dutchman's breeches, equally quizzical squirrel corn, blue phlox - we even saw a few white trout lilies, which are apparently rare. While the rest of my team - my professor and the two graduate students gathering data for the inventory and for their own projects - were figuring out how they were arranging pan traps and doing floral abundance assessments, I wandered around, armed with a net and a field bag, seeing what ...

Afternoon.  Yesterday would have been day 31 on Lexapro, but I didn't take my dose. One missed day won't screw me up too badly, but a not-insignificant part of me wants to torture myself by undoing what little progress has been made with the drug.  Overall mood: 4.  A wild and very loud turkey tom calling not far from the campsite woke me up far earlier than I would have liked yesterday, and the sounds of nature, combined with the poor mood that lingered from the night before, prevented me from going back to sleep. However, I stayed curled up in my sleeping bag long after everyone else in the quintet was up and starting to pack up camp. As usual, my inability to be of help and therefore position as a drag for the rest of the group spawned a fresh wave of guilt...While everyone else ate breakfast, I did little more than take up my usual depressed posture, and at that point, I had gone close to a full 24 hours without food. Not a good sign, and especially bad given th...

Evening, or morning; I don't know what the more appropriate opener is.  Yesterday was day 28 on escitalopram.  Mood: descending 3.  Yesterday was a perfect example of things being completely fine externally, good even, and still feeling terrible. I've been on a slow downturn for a few days now, and it seems like the smallest things can spur a further decline. It's cruel how I'm almost hypersensitive to what can make things worse when I'm not well, and impervious to what could improve my sorry state. Today's small thing was having the misfortune of sitting a few rows behind Favorite Person in one of the courses we're both enrolled in. The old, familiar sense of being unworthy, of being little more than a stain on the lives of the people around me, of not deserving an iota of happiness or success were like a stab in the heart, a stab that grew and gradually consumed my soul in a dark cloud.  It resulted the first time in a long time that I properly cri...

Evening.  Day 26 on escitalopram.  Mood: foggy 3.  I've been extremely tired today, trying to operate on far too little sleep and (for me and my heart) far too much caffeine. Everything in me right now wants to find some quiet corner in my lab where no one can see me from the hall, sit in it, and just cry. I can't do that, though. There's just too much work that needs to be done, and crying about it wastes time I no longer have.  My fascination/preoccupation with suicide continues today, and it concerns me the more I think objectively about it. I don't think that there's any part of me that's actually suicidal, and I don't think that I'm actually in a place where I'd hurt myself, but the fact that I'm stuck on this topic is not good.  There's not much else to discuss today.  Until then.  22 Mar 2017 

Evening.  Day 25 on Lexapro.  Mood: 4.6 I'm just as overwhelmed by things today as I was yesterday, compounded by the fact that I didn't get enough sleep last night and am consequently very irritable. There's just so much to do in such a short period of time, and my surefire period of productivity - 1am to 3am - can't feasibly be utilized.  When I wasn't fretting about what needs to be done, I spent time thinking about my "out" plan, to euphemize it. I recognize that it isn't at all a healthy thing to consider, but working towards one that is foolproof and figuring out the logistics of it - when I'd carry it out, where, whether or not I'd leave a note, who should find me - is oddly comforting. It gives me an exit if things ever get to the point of being beyond what I can tolerate.  I told Favorite Person that I wasn't suicidal when I mentioned it briefly to her, but some part of me isn't so sure. This is the kind of thing tha...