30 Apr 2017 - Big Long Sleep

Evening. 

 Day 66 on Lexapro. 

 Mood: 5. 

 Warm, damp, they pause
Contemplating the state of them
And of things 
And of rivers and of wind and of psyche
The shimmering fish leaps, breaking the membrane 
It quivers, thickly joyous, penetrated
Virgin droplets fall from above 
They watch, they feel, they sigh,
Continuing on 
Unsure footprints mark their passage 

 Today was an okay day. I woke up at 1:16pm, a bless'd just  twelve hours of sweet, dream-filled rest that I want to get again and again and again. After laying in bed for a couple hours, I talked to my mom for about 45 minutes, listening to her relay the saga of the last five, six days of her life - a cousin is battling breast cancer, and my mom has somehow become the person in the family that cares for those that are ill, makes sure that their medical stuff is all in order, and she had to make an emergency trip to visit. My relationship with my mother is odd, at least from my end. I love her to death, and I know that she loves me, and she accepts me, and she encourages me to pursue what interests me, but I still feel smothered by her at times. It's not something that I really want to discuss much. 

 Absolutely zero work got accomplished today, and I'm trying to be okay with that. I walked around campus, barefoot, pausing in puddles to savor the cool water over my feet. It's a small thing that I know few people think about, but I am so happy to be able to walk barefoot again without being in excruciating pain. Back to the Japanese garden I went, feeding the fish again, harassing the local amphibians again. A small shallow region was absolutely filled with tadpoles - I think that, if they're still there when I'm back for the summer, I'll try to rear some. I don't have any experience raising frogs or toads, but it would be loads of fun to watch. Besides, if I'm successful, I'll give the youngsters a good head start once they're released back into the pond. Captivity is a pretty sweet life when you're small - tons of food, clean water, no predators. 

 I don't know if it was the time spent outside enjoying my ability to do something as simple as walk without pain, the soft rain, or what, but I spent far less time inside my head today than I usually do. I don't think that that's a good thing, or a bad thing; it just is. 
There are only two weeks left in the semester, two and a half weeks before I travel across the pond. Things are piling up for sure, but I embrace the end of times and a brief break. 

 Until then. 

 After everything, after everything 
Left in the sun, shivering
After everything

30 Apr 2017 

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