28 Apr 2017 - Late Night, Bee Night
Yes, this post is late.
Day 64.
Mood: ~3.5.
I spent approximately twelve hours in my lab, starting to work at 4pm 28 Apr and leaving around 4am 29 Apr. I told myself that it was because I wanted to finish processing specimens before the weekend, and that's what I told Favorite Person and Curly, who both inquired. In truth, though, I needed a long distraction from the mounting sense of being a failure. You see, from an early age, much of my sense of self-worth was based on my academic performance, and my involvement with things. I had praise for my intelligence heaped on heavily from the beginning, and that praise somehow eventually generated extremely high standards set for myself, standards that I've never been able to meet.
Then, I befriend Favorite Person, who I watch meet and exceed the bar I set for myself, achieving what I expect of myself but am never able to accomplish. I'm always happy for her successes, because that's what friends do, but watching it happen hurts in a way that words can't describe. I compare what I've done to what she's doing, and I never measure up, not to anywhere near my liking.
None of that probably makes any sense to an outside party, but that's fine.
That was the only big thing that happened, technically.
Until then, "then" being a few minutes from now when today's post goes up.
[I don't have a song or quote.]
29 Apr 2017
Day 64.
Mood: ~3.5.
I spent approximately twelve hours in my lab, starting to work at 4pm 28 Apr and leaving around 4am 29 Apr. I told myself that it was because I wanted to finish processing specimens before the weekend, and that's what I told Favorite Person and Curly, who both inquired. In truth, though, I needed a long distraction from the mounting sense of being a failure. You see, from an early age, much of my sense of self-worth was based on my academic performance, and my involvement with things. I had praise for my intelligence heaped on heavily from the beginning, and that praise somehow eventually generated extremely high standards set for myself, standards that I've never been able to meet.
Then, I befriend Favorite Person, who I watch meet and exceed the bar I set for myself, achieving what I expect of myself but am never able to accomplish. I'm always happy for her successes, because that's what friends do, but watching it happen hurts in a way that words can't describe. I compare what I've done to what she's doing, and I never measure up, not to anywhere near my liking.
None of that probably makes any sense to an outside party, but that's fine.
That was the only big thing that happened, technically.
Until then, "then" being a few minutes from now when today's post goes up.
[I don't have a song or quote.]
29 Apr 2017
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