19 Mar 2017 - Loss of Life
Hello. There was no post yesterday because I was making cheese, which took far longer than I thought it would. I started around 10pm and didn't finish until 5:30am.
Day 23 on escitalopram.
Today's mood is a 3.5. I officially feel the exact same way now that I did before starting.
I made it back to my dormitory a few hours ago, and both of the pets that I left here over spring break - a mosquitofish I named Pip and a baby crawfish named Jojo - are dead, and I feel extremely guilty. It seems like I come back to dead pets when my mood is already low, as though the universe wants to give me something else to feel like absolute crap about. Leaving them here was a mistake, one that I was very stupid for making, and I paid for my stupidity with the lives of two things I loved and depended on me.
Every fiber of my being wants to spiral down out of control, to give myself the punishment I feel that I deserve for ignoring my gut and killing two of my animals because of it, but I can't find the will to initiate the positive feedback loop necessary. So, I'm going to sit here in my misery and despair and stew until I sleep or it's time to go to class, whichever happens first.
No matter how hard I try, it seems like my animals always die before they should, and yet I try again and again and again and again and again. The outcome is the same, time after time, but I don't seem to be able to get that fact.
until tomorrow
19 Mar 2017
Day 23 on escitalopram.
Today's mood is a 3.5. I officially feel the exact same way now that I did before starting.
I made it back to my dormitory a few hours ago, and both of the pets that I left here over spring break - a mosquitofish I named Pip and a baby crawfish named Jojo - are dead, and I feel extremely guilty. It seems like I come back to dead pets when my mood is already low, as though the universe wants to give me something else to feel like absolute crap about. Leaving them here was a mistake, one that I was very stupid for making, and I paid for my stupidity with the lives of two things I loved and depended on me.
Every fiber of my being wants to spiral down out of control, to give myself the punishment I feel that I deserve for ignoring my gut and killing two of my animals because of it, but I can't find the will to initiate the positive feedback loop necessary. So, I'm going to sit here in my misery and despair and stew until I sleep or it's time to go to class, whichever happens first.
No matter how hard I try, it seems like my animals always die before they should, and yet I try again and again and again and again and again. The outcome is the same, time after time, but I don't seem to be able to get that fact.
until tomorrow
19 Mar 2017
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