24 Mar 2017 - Turmoil

Evening, or morning; I don't know what the more appropriate opener is. 

 Yesterday was day 28 on escitalopram. 

 Mood: descending 3. 

 Yesterday was a perfect example of things being completely fine externally, good even, and still feeling terrible. I've been on a slow downturn for a few days now, and it seems like the smallest things can spur a further decline. It's cruel how I'm almost hypersensitive to what can make things worse when I'm not well, and impervious to what could improve my sorry state.

Today's small thing was having the misfortune of sitting a few rows behind Favorite Person in one of the courses we're both enrolled in. The old, familiar sense of being unworthy, of being little more than a stain on the lives of the people around me, of not deserving an iota of happiness or success were like a stab in the heart, a stab that grew and gradually consumed my soul in a dark cloud. 

 It resulted the first time in a long time that I properly cried myself to sleep, not bothering to change out of my day clothes or anything. 
I talked to my psychiatrist about the fixation on suicide I've had recently, and on how I don't feel that the Lexapro is doing a whole lot to help. We might increase the dose from 10mg to 20 if I don't start seeing more results in the next couple of weeks. She seemed more alert after I mentioned the quasi-suicidal thoughts and the research, and was a little insistent that I talk to one of the counselors on call that day. The more people ask if I'm actually suicidal, and the more I ask myself, the less sure I am that the answer is no.
The 25 Mar 2017 post won't go up until the 26th; I'm going camping tomorrow, and won't have internet. I'm simultaneously looking forward to and dreading it, because while it might be relaxing and clear my head (and even though the stereotypes about city people say otherwise, I love being outside), I don't know how much I'll be able to enjoy myself, and if I'm not enjoying myself, I know for a fact that I'll worry if I'm dragging the group down. The fact that Favorite Person is leading this trip makes things worse, as I don't want her to have to worry about me in addition to worrying about making sure that everything goes smoothly. 

 If I have a good time, it will have been a miracle. 
Until then.

 25 Mar 2017 

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