10 Mar 2017 - Liar
Hello, whomever may read this. I write you from my childhood home in Chicago.
Day 14 on Lexapro. I had a follow-up with my psychiatrist this morning - I don't know why I thought that 8:15am was a good time for an appointment - and mentioned the jaw clenching I've noticed to her. She seemed a little concerned about it, and said that we'd keep an eye on it, which makes me a little nervous. Hopefully it doesn't indicate that something terrible is going on.
Mentally, well, today wasn't a good day either. There was the stress of making sure that everything was done and packed and ready for the 5.5 hour trip up here, which wasn't helped by the fact that I am incredibly tired - it's been a few days since I've gone to sleep earlier than 1am.
On top of that, though, was a cold, slow sadness and longing, and a continuation of the feeling of being unwanted that I wrote on yesterday, intensified by the impending spatial separation. I'd rate today's mood a wavering 4.
The friend I wrote on yesterday (I think that I'll refer to her here as Favorite Person) is spending the beginning of her spring break with a mutual, and I'm honestly more than a little bit hurt by that, since she was clear that she didn't want to spend the break with me. It's stupid, and it's unhealthy, and I hate myself for my response, but I can't help but feel that Favorite Person is annoyed with my presence, and that that was the reason. I think that I view Favorite Person as being My Favorite Person, and am too possessive.
I wonder sometimes if cutting myself out of Favorite Person's life would be the healthiest course of action for us both.
An additional thing bothering me about break is the fact that I have to be around my mother, from whom I've hid my depression. She doesn't know anything - not the counseling, not the escitalopram, nothing. A part of me wants to be able to tell her exactly what's going on, but she has a tendency to ask invasive questions and pry when I've indicated that I no longer wish to share additional information (and she's outright said that while she recognizes when I don't want to talk anymore, she just doesn't care). So I've been maintaining a lie about my health, about the reason for the multiple, frequent visits to the student health center, about why I need my insurance information and why I set up an account at Walgreens.
I hate lying to my mother, but the alternative - having information forcibly drawn out - is worse.
My only hope for the next week is that I don't have any complications related to my medicine, because if something goes wrong, I can't get help without making my extended lie obvious. I have no intention of her knowing about what's going on with me, ever.
Ideally, I'll keep myself busy enough over this next week that I won't have the time to sit and ruminate about the thoughts and feelings that feed and are fed by the depression.
Until tomorrow.
10 Mar 2017
Day 14 on Lexapro. I had a follow-up with my psychiatrist this morning - I don't know why I thought that 8:15am was a good time for an appointment - and mentioned the jaw clenching I've noticed to her. She seemed a little concerned about it, and said that we'd keep an eye on it, which makes me a little nervous. Hopefully it doesn't indicate that something terrible is going on.
Mentally, well, today wasn't a good day either. There was the stress of making sure that everything was done and packed and ready for the 5.5 hour trip up here, which wasn't helped by the fact that I am incredibly tired - it's been a few days since I've gone to sleep earlier than 1am.
On top of that, though, was a cold, slow sadness and longing, and a continuation of the feeling of being unwanted that I wrote on yesterday, intensified by the impending spatial separation. I'd rate today's mood a wavering 4.
The friend I wrote on yesterday (I think that I'll refer to her here as Favorite Person) is spending the beginning of her spring break with a mutual, and I'm honestly more than a little bit hurt by that, since she was clear that she didn't want to spend the break with me. It's stupid, and it's unhealthy, and I hate myself for my response, but I can't help but feel that Favorite Person is annoyed with my presence, and that that was the reason. I think that I view Favorite Person as being My Favorite Person, and am too possessive.
I wonder sometimes if cutting myself out of Favorite Person's life would be the healthiest course of action for us both.
An additional thing bothering me about break is the fact that I have to be around my mother, from whom I've hid my depression. She doesn't know anything - not the counseling, not the escitalopram, nothing. A part of me wants to be able to tell her exactly what's going on, but she has a tendency to ask invasive questions and pry when I've indicated that I no longer wish to share additional information (and she's outright said that while she recognizes when I don't want to talk anymore, she just doesn't care). So I've been maintaining a lie about my health, about the reason for the multiple, frequent visits to the student health center, about why I need my insurance information and why I set up an account at Walgreens.
I hate lying to my mother, but the alternative - having information forcibly drawn out - is worse.
My only hope for the next week is that I don't have any complications related to my medicine, because if something goes wrong, I can't get help without making my extended lie obvious. I have no intention of her knowing about what's going on with me, ever.
Ideally, I'll keep myself busy enough over this next week that I won't have the time to sit and ruminate about the thoughts and feelings that feed and are fed by the depression.
Until tomorrow.
10 Mar 2017
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