Treatment Records

Evening. Yes, I've missed quite a few days. I'll try to get myself back up to speed; if I can stay awake, there will be a bit of a post dump today.  Day 103 on Lexapro.  Mood: 5, I guess. It's hard to retroactively gauge how I was feeling, and then condense that into a single, neat number.  Since it's a few days out from the events of the 7th as I write this, I've probably forgotten small details as far as what went on, but that's fine. The gist is that I made my 7:45am flight back to O'Hare, got an Uber from the airport to the house of my childhood with my mother, and went to sleep later than I should have, considering how long I'd been awake.  Some inconsequential information that I do remember from the day: I slept through my 4am and 4:30am alarms, and was awoken by the sound of Favorite Person knocking on my door.  We found one member of our party that had disappeared the prior day, but lost another.  For some unknowable reason, Favorit...

Evening.  Day 102 on Lexapro, though I'm going to miss tonight's dose for reasons I'll discuss here.  Mood: 5.  Well, today was supposed to be the day I made it back to the US, but things don't always go as planned.  The study abroad group collectively got up around 4:45, and we all packed into The Van at 5:30 to drive to Glasgow - one member of our group had a flight at 9am, which was delayed to 9:45, but we needed to get there early. And early to the airport we were - we made it around 7:30ish. Myself, Favorite Person, and two other ladies had a 2:15pm flight from Glasgow to Heathrow, and check-in wasn't until noon, so we were forced to sit in the airport for five hours before we could even check in. Thankfully, I had books, so I read for a while. When I tired of that, I chatted with Favorite Person and one of the other ladies, Claudia, about various books.  Check-in time came around, and it went without issue. My checked bag was around 42lbs, which ...

Evening.  Day 101 on escitalopram.  Mood: 5.  Today is my last full day in Scotland, and that being so, there was very little going out and about. I went to Dundee, to get a Scotland hoodie and a tartan tammy hat (I adore hats, and this one looks really good on me, and doesn't squish my hair too much). While in Dundee, I checked in for my flights tomorrow. It was a little bit frustrating to say the least - I had to give Favorite Person my login information for my university email so that she could send me my reservation number. I didn't get a seat near her, for either flight, and that fact bothers me a lot more than it bothers her.  While in Dundee, I also purchased some things from Lush. Got a few samples for my mother as well. I'm considering telling her to not open her gifts from here until her birthday, since I won't be in Chicago for it.  Dinner today was pulled pork, mashed sweet potatoes, and this amazingly creamy corn. I ate a lot of corn. Dess...

Evening.   Morning. Definitely morning.  Afternoon. I'm a bit of a mess.  I started writing and then forgot to finish. Whoops.  Day 100 on Lexapro. Wow, is that kind of a milestone? I guess that now's a good time to reflect on how things have gone for me on this drug so far.  When I started out on escitalopram, I noticed a distinct uptick in my mood, a floaty feel-good period that lasted about ten days, before I gradually returned to a baseline of sorts. There were no depressive episodes for a while; eventually, though, they began to creep back into the picture. Though it became clear to me after a certain point that the Lexapro wasn't helping, my psychiatrist suggested that I continue taking it anyway, to see if a longer span on it would provide greater benefit. It did not. Eventually, I began experimenting with stopping cold turkey, to see how it would affect me (and against the advice of every source I've read on the topic). The first time was entirely ...

Afternoon.  Day 99 on Lexapro. In a foggy, painful moment around 3am, I took a double dose, which constitutes 40mg of escitalopram oxalate. It'll either significantly boost my mood, or make me feel significantly worse. We'll see tomorrow.  Mood: 4. Today was rough; I'm feeling very worn out psychologically as I write this.  I spent today largely in bed again. It took a while, but eventually I found the motivation to get up, first to go to the bathroom and again to eat. My last real meal was two days ago, and I hadn't consumed any water in that span either, so I was kind of dizzy and lightheaded for a while.  A plate was set aside for me from breakfast today - bacon, sausage, black pudding, baked beans, some sort of amazingly chewy bread, Portabella mushrooms, and a fried egg. It was good, save for the mushrooms, which I didn't touch on principle. I wished that there had been more of the bread.  My immediate response to everyone returning to the house ...

Evening, nonexistent readership. I feel like garbage as I write this, but no matter the depths of my pain, I don't get to opt out of posting.  Day 98 on Lexapro. I took another half dose last night, and while I'm no longer experiencing withdrawal, the psychological symptoms came down hard. The thought of taking a double, triple, quardruple dose just to make my bad situation worse crossed my mind several times today. A massive dose of an SSRI won't kill me, but it will cause problems.  Mood: 2.5 - 3. This is the lowest that I've felt in a while. It's a dense fog of pain, with space for little else.  Today, I allowed myself to be bedridden. I left my room once, to go to the bathroom, and have consumed nothing save for a bag of crisps that happened to be in arm's reach. I was alone all day, under covers too hot and heavy for sleeping, miserable.  Parts of me wanted to reach out to someone, anyone , for some kind of comfort, and I did utilize the Crisis Text...

Evening.  Day 97 on Lexapro. I took a half-dose yesterday, which went a long ways towards staving off withdrawal. The ibuprofen I took also helped, which I'll note for the future. For the potential to help, I truly hate the way that I can't just stop taking an antidepressant, at least not without causing myself discomfort/distress.  Mood: 5. Most of today was spent sleeping, so there wasn't a whole lot of feel going on. Thankfully.  Happy Pride Month, dear readers!  Today was another day in transit.  We boarded the ferry a bit before 11am. I ate too much breakfast there - a bacon roll, sausages, croissant, raspberry danish, chips, overly greasy mac and cheese, ice cream. Felt disgusting after a certain point, but I was determined to finish the food I'd purchased. The attempt was unsuccessful, and ended up resulting in my feeling a little seasick for the entire 90-odd minute ride. As usual, I hung by Favorite Person the entire time. At one point, while ...

Evening, dear readership. I'm a little tipsy as I write this.  Day 96 on Lexapro. Withdrawal hit me really hard today; I ended up caving and taking a 10mg half dose (turns out, my molars do a real damn good job of splitting pills), plus some ibuprofen. Let's see how I feel in the morning.  Mood: Well, right now, I'd rate myself a solid six. Today's also been a solid six. Sixes all around.  I did so many things today. Like, it's almost ridiculous how much I did. Had to ask Favorite Person like five times to go through the day so that I had it all straight.  First - Pier Art Center. It was cool.  Then - ring of Brogard. It was also cool, but it felt sacred and therefore like my being there was wrong.  Then - Maes Howe. It was also  cool. It seemed like a good place for an acid trip. Also, I met a cat. He or she was really nice and ate some of my cheese.  Then - Kirkwall again. Withdrawal started screwing me up at this point. I got ice ...

Evening. It's 10:06pm as I begin writing this, and the sky is far brighter than it should be.  Day 95 with Lexapro. The first mild twinges of withdrawal started occurring later today, at least I think that they have. I've not been listening to my body as closely as normally today. Mood: 6 overall,  4 right this second.  I really need to start religiously jotting things down as I do them; these days have been packed with activities, and I'm starting to forget what I've done a few hours after they happen.  The events that follow aren't necessarily in chronological order.  Some standing stones. I don't remember the name and I don't feel like looking it up. There were, for some reason, four sheep in the little enclosed area with the artifacts; naturally, I attempted to pet them. It didn't work - they all walked away from me as I approached, even the ones that were laying down. Sheep are kind of ugly and stupid-looking up close; I recommend observin...

Evening. I write to you from Orkney Island, a very nice little place. It's, ah, 11:46pm as I begin writing this post, and there's still light in the sky, which is incredibly strange. It should be completely dark by now, but I am significantly further north than I'm accustomed to. Day 94 with escitalopram. I've definitely reached the four-day threshold where I'd normally start feeling symptoms of withdrawal, but I still feel fairly normal. Hopefully this holds; I'll see if I can endure the entirety of the Orkney trip (three days, not including today) without it. That being said, I didn't leave the Lexapro back in Piperdam; should symptoms of withdrawal begin, and get to the point of being completely unbearable, I'd rather have it than not. Mood: 6.5. I laughed, I teased, I joked, I saw, I drank. I felt light; I felt grounded; I felt connected. Today was a good day.  Today was a day of travel, from the house in Piperdam to the hostel on Orkney. We left a...

Evening. This post will be fairly short, since not much happened today.  Day 93 on escitalopram.  Mood: 5.75.  Today was spent making preparations for the three-day Orkney trip we've got coming up. I did laundry, and we made an alcohol run at a near-ish Tesco. I got a ginger beer and plenty of cider.  Lunch was Scotch eggs, tomato bisque, and some kind of roll that was kind of like an English muffin but way softer. It was all so good, especially the eggs, which are a foodstuff that I've wanted to try for years now.  Dinner was a lovely barbecue picnic - burgers, sausages, chicken thighs and drumsticks, rice, leftover couscous salad, a mixed greens salad, corn on the cob, ciabatta rolls, and some other stuff that I'm probably forgetting. I ate waaay too much, and it was all so, so, so delicious. Dessert was fruit salad with Greek yogurt.  There's not much else to discuss about today. Favorite Person's had about four, four and a half standard drin...

Evening. I completely forgot that this blog exists yesterday, started writing this morning, forgot that I'd started writing, and here we are! Day 92 with Lexapro. It's been a couple days since I took any, and I'm waiting for withdrawal to kick in. Mood: 5.5. Wait, no, a cloud of 5.5 with points of 7.5 interspersed throughout. Like a conglomerate of emotion. Yesterday was spent exploring Glasgow. Before the trip began, the professor over the program said that there's a definite difference between Glasgow and Edinburgh as far as how the two cities feel, and he's definitely correct. Glasgow feels so much like my native Chicago - thrumming with life, full of gritty people, with so many things to do and see. It's a more industrial city, steel and concrete and straight lines, as opposed to the more reserved, scholarly air of Edinburgh. Both places are equally beautiful, just in radically different ways. Even though yesterday was my first time visiting, Glasgow felt li...

Afternoon. Evening? I don't know. Day 91 on Lexapro. There's apparently no way to gradually taper myself off without consulting my psychiatrist, which is more or less what I expected. I don't know if there's any way to combat the symptoms of withdrawal that come on hard and fast after a few days without taking any, and I'd rather not deal with them while abroad. Mood: 4.75. The weather's really nice today - sunny, with a high of around 85. I certainly didn't bring clothes for this weather, burning up in my lovely, comfortable pocket-less dress pants. We went back to Dundee this morning, walking around some. In a moment that is more me than anything else I've done on this trip, I purchased five tins of super fancy organic and grain-free cat food from a little charity sale, the proceeds of which are going to a cat sanctuary. Hopefully, my two babes back home will enjoy it. We also stopped at a pound shop  I woke up feeling somewhat better today than I did...

Evening, or afternoon? It's 9pm as I write this, but the sun is still high in the sky. Day 90 on Lexapro. Mood: 5.  Today, we went to Dunnottar Castle. It was a castle; I've seen a few by now, so it wasn't anything special to me. What was more fun, though, was being down on the rocky shore. There wasn't a whole lot of animal life to be found, aside from a good number of snails and a singular hermit crab, but I walked among the rocks and made some stacks of them. The fishing villages were kind of eh. Nothing really stood out to me. Lunch was butternut squash and leek soup with bread for dipping, and fried carrot croquettes that were entirely too sweet. Dinner was mashed potatoes, mashed turnips, haggis, and a beautiful whiskey sauce. Haggis is amazing - don't knock it until you've tried it! Dessert was a raspberry trifle. Mentally...I don't know. Today was a bit strange. On one hand, I didn't feel awful , but on the other, there was a strong sense of b...

Evening. Day 89 with Lexapro. I'm weighing the cost/benefits of stopping it cold turkey again, but I don't know if I can handle withdrawal again. Mood: 3. Today, I hiked up a mountain (though the Scots would call it "walking up a hill"), felt like garbage, and tried a cider that I really liked. It was Kopparberg strawberry and lime, and it is my new favorite alcoholic beverage. Getting to Loch Brandy, 2070' above sea level and about 1800' above the starting point, was a challenge, though more mentally than physically. Sure, I had to pause and rest more frequently than I would have liked, but my mind was a storm of why did I decide to do this? , I should turn around and go back down , what am I doing here? , I didn't deserve to go on this trip . Continuing to move forward despite all of what went on in my head was hard, to say the least. I did not enjoy the hike up; my body didn't like it, my mind didn't like it. The only reason I kept going was to ...

Evening.  Day 88 on Lexapro. I think that, at this point, continuing to take escitalopram is making me feel worse. My options are really limited here, as far as what actions I can take to fix and/or deal with the situation. I could stop taking my antidepressant, but then be forced to deal with the unpleasant physical effects of withdrawal. I could continue taking it, not have any physical effects, but feel psychologically awful and be thousands of miles away from any kind of help. Favorite Person doesn't count here. I think that I'm going to have to take the plunge and wean myself off Lexapro on my own, while I'm here. There are probably enough resources available online for me to figure out how to do so in a mostly safe manner. If something goes wrong....I'm just going to have to tough it out. No one should carry my burden but me; if it gets to be too much to bear, I just have to find more strength. Mood: 4.5. Maybe less. Today was spent largely outdoors, though it s...