03 Mar 2017 - Wandering
Hello everyone! Hope your days were good.
Today marks the end of my first week on Lexapro, and I'm quite happy with my progress - I no longer feel like garbage all the time, my outlook is less pessimistic, and I'm just generally more hopeful about life than I have been in a while. It's probably too early to draw any conclusions, but I think that the drug is doing exactly what it's supposed to, and with minimal side effects.
I've come to the conclusion that the increase in appetite I've noted over the past few days isn't due to some direct action of the drug. It's the result of my being significantly less depressed, and my depression acted to suppress my appetite. I'm not sure why it took me days to realize this, since I've known for about a year now that sudden decreases in appetite are a sure sign of an impending depressive episode. Feeling strongly compelled to eat more frequently than every twelve hours is strange for now, though eventually I'll settle back into a schedule of three meals a day, like a healthy human being should.
As it has been since starting escitalopram, my mood is still overall quite positive. If I had to rate it on a scale from 1 to 10, with 1 being the worst, 10 being the best, and 5 being a neutral baseline, I'd give today a solid 7. I think that I'll start reporting the day's mood with a number; numbers are nice and clean ways to explain things.
Intensely negative, corrosive thoughts connecting my self-worth to what I've done/am doing and comparing what I've done/am doing to what my close friends have done/are doing cropped up a few times today, which is not at all a surprise, since this is something I've struggled with for a very long time and has just been exacerbated by being depressed. However, I'm finding that it's getting easier to ignore those thoughts, which is a very pleasant surprise.
It's nice to be able to sit quietly inside my own head without being afraid of what thoughts may arise.
Another pleasant surprise I'm noticing is that I'm much more focused now. If I decide that I'm going to get something done - completing an assignment, sending an email - I just...do it. No waffling, less distractions. This, if nothing else, will be a big boost to my academic performance.
Since social interaction isn't generally part of my daily diet of existence, it's always worth mentioning, and if you don't agree, oh well, this is my blog. I went out to dinner with a close friend that is very near and dear to my heart, and we were originally going to go to a showing of Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them. However, she decided that just spending the time talking to me would be more enjoyable, especially since I'm more responsive now - conversations with me when the depression wasn't as well controlled were distinctly one sided, with her doing most of the talking, and me passively listening, too separated from the world by my own pain to give much more than a listless "yeah" or a half smile in response.
So we talked for an hour or so, before going out to wander around campus and talk more, like we used to do somewhat regularly when we were roommates. I missed our excursions greatly, the quiet companionship and stillness of the night. There weren't any clouds to block our view of the sky, of the moon, of the stars. Even though it's early March, lots of things are in bloom right now - daffodils, various kinds of magnolias, sunny little dandelions. In a pure and simple way, it felt good to be out walking about in the crisp air.
Today was a good day; hopefully tomorrow is the same.
Until then.
03 Mar 2017
Today marks the end of my first week on Lexapro, and I'm quite happy with my progress - I no longer feel like garbage all the time, my outlook is less pessimistic, and I'm just generally more hopeful about life than I have been in a while. It's probably too early to draw any conclusions, but I think that the drug is doing exactly what it's supposed to, and with minimal side effects.
I've come to the conclusion that the increase in appetite I've noted over the past few days isn't due to some direct action of the drug. It's the result of my being significantly less depressed, and my depression acted to suppress my appetite. I'm not sure why it took me days to realize this, since I've known for about a year now that sudden decreases in appetite are a sure sign of an impending depressive episode. Feeling strongly compelled to eat more frequently than every twelve hours is strange for now, though eventually I'll settle back into a schedule of three meals a day, like a healthy human being should.
As it has been since starting escitalopram, my mood is still overall quite positive. If I had to rate it on a scale from 1 to 10, with 1 being the worst, 10 being the best, and 5 being a neutral baseline, I'd give today a solid 7. I think that I'll start reporting the day's mood with a number; numbers are nice and clean ways to explain things.
Intensely negative, corrosive thoughts connecting my self-worth to what I've done/am doing and comparing what I've done/am doing to what my close friends have done/are doing cropped up a few times today, which is not at all a surprise, since this is something I've struggled with for a very long time and has just been exacerbated by being depressed. However, I'm finding that it's getting easier to ignore those thoughts, which is a very pleasant surprise.
It's nice to be able to sit quietly inside my own head without being afraid of what thoughts may arise.
Another pleasant surprise I'm noticing is that I'm much more focused now. If I decide that I'm going to get something done - completing an assignment, sending an email - I just...do it. No waffling, less distractions. This, if nothing else, will be a big boost to my academic performance.
Since social interaction isn't generally part of my daily diet of existence, it's always worth mentioning, and if you don't agree, oh well, this is my blog. I went out to dinner with a close friend that is very near and dear to my heart, and we were originally going to go to a showing of Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them. However, she decided that just spending the time talking to me would be more enjoyable, especially since I'm more responsive now - conversations with me when the depression wasn't as well controlled were distinctly one sided, with her doing most of the talking, and me passively listening, too separated from the world by my own pain to give much more than a listless "yeah" or a half smile in response.
So we talked for an hour or so, before going out to wander around campus and talk more, like we used to do somewhat regularly when we were roommates. I missed our excursions greatly, the quiet companionship and stillness of the night. There weren't any clouds to block our view of the sky, of the moon, of the stars. Even though it's early March, lots of things are in bloom right now - daffodils, various kinds of magnolias, sunny little dandelions. In a pure and simple way, it felt good to be out walking about in the crisp air.
Today was a good day; hopefully tomorrow is the same.
Until then.
03 Mar 2017
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