Treatment Records

Evening.  Day 50 on Lexapro. The extreme tiredness caused by the upped dose has resolved itself, as I expected. At least I believe that it has - I'm still tired all the time, but it's a slogging through the day, so many things to do with so little time tiredness, rather than the oh my god it's hitting me like a train  tiredness that I dealt with when I first started.  Mood: 5. So many little things set off little spurts of guilt that I couldn't just turn off.  I can't decide whether my understanding of how antidepressants are supposed to work from a scientific standpoint is a good thing or a bad thing as far as my outlook on my treatment. That understanding, combined with the general skepticism that I've built up in lacquered layers over time, means that I'm not expecting real results any time soon. On the other hand, though, I'm also very, very hesitant to say that any given improvement that I may notice is due to the drug. This is a system with a...

Hello.  Day 38 on Lexapro. No side effects that I feel like sharing.  Mood: 4.71. Is that a weirdly precise value? No, not at all.  Today's external highlight was going to Sculpin Creek with Favorite Person. Booted and armed with nets and buckets, we set out to find...nothing in particular, really. I enjoyed chasing after little fishes, and identifying various plants and invertebrates. We even saw a snapping turtle sunning itself on the banks! As is my usual, I kept the fish that I caught - one giant banded sculpin, four tiny and very cute babies, and a fantail darter. Favorite Person talked me into keeping a clutch of fish eggs that we found affixed to a rock, and I'm less thrilled about it than she is, because for one thing, I'm going to be the one responsible for taking care of them, and neither of us have any idea what kind of fish they are. I don't want to be potentially responsible for scores of tiny fish whose proper care I can't ensure; that feels wron...

I'm not sure why I bother start with a greeting. It's like saying "hello" into an empty cave; you know that no one's there, and that no one will respond or reply, but the action is somehow comforting.  Day 34 on escitalopram.  Mood: 3.5.  I had a horrible realization today that I am dangerously close to being entirely underwater as far as my coursework is concerned. Of the six courses I'm currently enrolled in, I feel as though I'm at the cusp of falling completely behind in five, and battling depression makes things that much more difficult. Part of me wants to get a letter or something from my psychiatrist for my instructors, stating that I'm suffering from an illness that will likely impact my academic performance, but I don't know that what good it'll do. I want some proof that I'm not just blowing off classes or being lazy or something, but I also fear that my instructors will greet that information with a shrug.  This will be ...

Hello. There was no post yesterday because I was making cheese, which took far longer than I thought it would. I started around 10pm and didn't finish until 5:30am. Day 23 on escitalopram.  Today's mood is a 3.5. I officially feel the exact same way now that I did before starting.  I made it back to my dormitory a few hours ago, and both of the pets that I left here over spring break - a mosquitofish I named Pip and a baby crawfish named Jojo - are dead, and I feel extremely guilty. It seems like I come back to dead pets when my mood is already low, as though the universe wants to give me something else to feel like absolute crap about. Leaving them here was a mistake, one that I was very stupid for making, and I paid for my stupidity with the lives of two things I loved and depended on me. Every fiber of my being wants to spiral down out of control, to give myself the punishment I feel that I deserve for ignoring my gut and killing two of my animals because of it, but I...

Hello, all.  Day 16 on Lexapro. Nothing new in the side effects department  Today's mood was a 4.9. That value would be lower if I had not spent all day watching documentaries and movies, and had time to think and reflect. External things to focus my attention on are the only reliable ways I've found to not feel awful all the time; it's my main motivation for wanting to stay as busy as possible, for as long as possible, at the cost of my physical health.  As per usual, nothing special happened today, unless you consider the consumption of large amounts of hummus and far too many flour tortillas warmed up directly over the fire on the stovetop special. I have a tendency to just snack constantly when I'm home, so there was a lot of food just gradually getting shoved into my face as time passed. Much of it was plant-based (carrots, bell pepper, spinach, broccoli), but there was far too much sweet garbage as well.  I think a lot about food in general, and what I ...