20 Mar 2017 - Panic and stress
Morning, all. I fell asleep while attempting to write this last night, so pardon me.
Day 24 on Lexapro.
Today was a 4. Lots of things are happening quickly right now, and I'm more than a little overwhelmed by everything.
Not much of note happened yesterday. Spent a few hours shallow breathing because I was (and still kind of am) very sure that I'd fail a major upcoming exam, was unable to pay attention to important material in a class.
The only vaguely interesting thing I did was pipette very small amounts of water conditioner into microcentrifuge tubes - 175 in total. It was tedious and repetitive, but tedious and repetitive in a way that was soothing.
My mood seems to go from really bad to mostly okay and back in short periods of time, far more quickly than is characteristic. I don't know if it's due to the escitalopram or the stress I'm under right now, but it concerns me greatly. I'll have to discuss it with my psychiatrist when I see her again Friday (at 8:15am, again, because I don't value sleep or happiness); hopefully it doesn't really mean anything concerning.
The old thought that the world would be a much better place if I didn't exist within it hung around a while yesterday, like a quiet shadow in the back of my mind. I know that professionals would call that "suicidal ideation", but I don't view it as being anything that severe. Of course, I'm also biased because this is a line of thought I've entertained for many years now, so while it may be abnormal in actuality, I'm accustomed to it being there. There's no real desire to die, at least not in the near future - I would very much like to die at some point, because immortality seems like a sure way to go insane - just a wish to have never existed in the first place. Things would go on just fine without me; I'm not so unique that anything I have done or will do wouldn't be accomplished by someone else. The friends I've made would find other people in their lives that fill the same roles I do; whatever was picked up from me can be learned from someone else. I'm a replaceable part of a replaceable world; a universe without me ever being in it would function the same.
Several friends that I've expressed this thought to have more or less immediately waved it off, saying that the world would somehow be different if I weren't in it, or that their lives would be fundamentally different if they had never met me. It's a flattering thing to say, but I still disagree. Regardless of what anyone says, I'm not special. No one is.
I need to get back to posting around the same time every day. I was going pretty good for a while.
Until then.
21 Mar 2017
Day 24 on Lexapro.
Today was a 4. Lots of things are happening quickly right now, and I'm more than a little overwhelmed by everything.
Not much of note happened yesterday. Spent a few hours shallow breathing because I was (and still kind of am) very sure that I'd fail a major upcoming exam, was unable to pay attention to important material in a class.
The only vaguely interesting thing I did was pipette very small amounts of water conditioner into microcentrifuge tubes - 175 in total. It was tedious and repetitive, but tedious and repetitive in a way that was soothing.
My mood seems to go from really bad to mostly okay and back in short periods of time, far more quickly than is characteristic. I don't know if it's due to the escitalopram or the stress I'm under right now, but it concerns me greatly. I'll have to discuss it with my psychiatrist when I see her again Friday (at 8:15am, again, because I don't value sleep or happiness); hopefully it doesn't really mean anything concerning.
The old thought that the world would be a much better place if I didn't exist within it hung around a while yesterday, like a quiet shadow in the back of my mind. I know that professionals would call that "suicidal ideation", but I don't view it as being anything that severe. Of course, I'm also biased because this is a line of thought I've entertained for many years now, so while it may be abnormal in actuality, I'm accustomed to it being there. There's no real desire to die, at least not in the near future - I would very much like to die at some point, because immortality seems like a sure way to go insane - just a wish to have never existed in the first place. Things would go on just fine without me; I'm not so unique that anything I have done or will do wouldn't be accomplished by someone else. The friends I've made would find other people in their lives that fill the same roles I do; whatever was picked up from me can be learned from someone else. I'm a replaceable part of a replaceable world; a universe without me ever being in it would function the same.
Several friends that I've expressed this thought to have more or less immediately waved it off, saying that the world would somehow be different if I weren't in it, or that their lives would be fundamentally different if they had never met me. It's a flattering thing to say, but I still disagree. Regardless of what anyone says, I'm not special. No one is.
I need to get back to posting around the same time every day. I was going pretty good for a while.
Until then.
21 Mar 2017
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