Treatment Records

I began composing this over three months ago, and never finished. And I never will. Enjoy. Morning. I know that I said I'd shoot for thrice weekly in my last post, but it's just going to be whenever I muster the will to compose something worth sharing.  As of this writing, I've been taking bupropion for 43 days. I tolerate it fairly well (though I have had headaches in the last two weeks that were , and overall, it's more helpful than escitalopram was. However, I think I'm reaching the point where my brain chemistry has fully adjusted to the presence of the drug - the point where I stop seeing improvement, the point where it's all downhill. An episode rolled in hard and fast a few days ago, with the first inklings coming on July 31st and full-blown depressive hell the day after. It left me unable to do much more than scroll idly through Facebook; I missed an entire day of work. I'm still not fully recovered from that period, not by any stretch of the imag...

Morning.  I know that I said in my last post that I'd try to put things up at least a couple times a week. Clearly, I haven't done that. Trying to find the motivation to keep regular updates is difficult to say the least, between the sense that I'm not keeping up with what I need to do (so why should I devote time and effort to something not necessary?) and the feeling that no one's following this or cares, even though I know that that's not the case. The fact that sharing what goes on in my head and my perceptions of things is incredibly difficult as it is - even if I'm talking to someone I otherwise trust - doesn't make things any easier.  I'm going to try to keep things simpler, for my own sake. 

Evening. It's 10:06pm as I begin writing this, and the sky is far brighter than it should be.  Day 95 with Lexapro. The first mild twinges of withdrawal started occurring later today, at least I think that they have. I've not been listening to my body as closely as normally today. Mood: 6 overall,  4 right this second.  I really need to start religiously jotting things down as I do them; these days have been packed with activities, and I'm starting to forget what I've done a few hours after they happen.  The events that follow aren't necessarily in chronological order.  Some standing stones. I don't remember the name and I don't feel like looking it up. There were, for some reason, four sheep in the little enclosed area with the artifacts; naturally, I attempted to pet them. It didn't work - they all walked away from me as I approached, even the ones that were laying down. Sheep are kind of ugly and stupid-looking up close; I recommend observin...

Evening.  Yesterday was day 30 on Lexapro.  Overall mood: 3.5.  As I said, yesterday was spent camping and hiking. The first day of the trip was...queer. I started out feeling intensely guilty, which is always good for my enjoyment. I was supposed to meet up with the group at 9am to head over to the campsite, but because I missed so much sleep last week, I slept through all of my many alarms and woke up at 9:43. There was a long moment of panic and self-beration, because I was legitimately looked forward to the trip and, because I couldn't do something as simple as wake up on time, I was so sure that I wouldn't be able to go. Favorite Person (eventually I'm gonna get lazy and just abbreviate), who was leading this trip and is fortunately not at all like me in instances like this, offered to come back and pick me up after she'd set up camp with the group. I'm glad that she did, but at the same time...I don't feel as though I deserved it. By all rights, I sh...

Hello again. Forgive me for missing a day; I was up late working on an assignment, and this got put off.  Day 13 on Lexapro. Aside from the jaw clenching, there's nothing to report side-effects wise.  Today was not a good day for me. On my 1 - 10 scale, today's overall mood was a 4. The good feeling I enjoyed the first few days on escitalopram is gone, and a sadness I've come to regard as familiar took its place, only with a hazy, foggy quality to it. I couldn't pinpoint a reason internal or external that I'm feeling this way if I tried.  I would be less bothered by the sadness if it weren't also accompanied by a feeling of being unwanted and unloved as well. The sensation of being a replaceable, throwaway, inconsequential satellite character in the lives of the people I'm closest to is intolerable, as is the feeling that they collectively are more important to me than I am to them. It's not something I'd wish on anyone. A part of me wants to g...