Treatment Records

Evening, dear readership. I'm a little tipsy as I write this.  Day 96 on Lexapro. Withdrawal hit me really hard today; I ended up caving and taking a 10mg half dose (turns out, my molars do a real damn good job of splitting pills), plus some ibuprofen. Let's see how I feel in the morning.  Mood: Well, right now, I'd rate myself a solid six. Today's also been a solid six. Sixes all around.  I did so many things today. Like, it's almost ridiculous how much I did. Had to ask Favorite Person like five times to go through the day so that I had it all straight.  First - Pier Art Center. It was cool.  Then - ring of Brogard. It was also cool, but it felt sacred and therefore like my being there was wrong.  Then - Maes Howe. It was also  cool. It seemed like a good place for an acid trip. Also, I met a cat. He or she was really nice and ate some of my cheese.  Then - Kirkwall again. Withdrawal started screwing me up at this point. I got ice ...

Evening.  Day 54 on Lexapro. Tiredness weakens my bones and weeps from my pores, like a disease that can be caught by those careless enough to not staunchly guard themselves.  Mood: Swiftly descending 5. Three. 2.5. I don't know. I just know that I feel like garbage. As usual.  I don't know what to say about how today went. Initially, things were well enough - I took a test that I feel pretty okay about, got a lot of work done for a group project that I'm part of. This evening, though, the ever-present feeling of being a complete academic failure crept back into the forefront of my existence, and with numbers to back itself up. I feel like I'm just a sub-par student with hopes and dreams that far exceed my abilities. Graduate school is seeming like a more and more distant dream with each failed assignment, with each concept that I am unable to understand to any standard. I no longer know why I keep trying when the results come back the same each and every time - ...

[ insert greeting ] Day 53 on escitalopram. The tiredness is definitely back, after a very brief absence. Even though I went to sleep last night and woke up this morning at regular times, I nodded off during my first class (which otherwise holds my attention well, and I never sleep in). I was so tired this afternoon that, after a late lunch, I took a nap that ballooned into a three hour sleep, and even after that, I'm still ready to crawl back into bed and stay there for thirteen or fourteen hours.  Mood: 3. It would be higher, but the dreams I had during the short-sleep were bitter, and the productivity I lost whilst napping saps any good mood.  My head feels like it's full of mountain fog, and summary refuses to precipitate out of the mist, like making out what is carried in whispers within a hall blanketed with dust. I no longer recall exactly how I felt today, just that it was distinctly not good, with the pervasive sense of being a failure, as always. And the desire...

Evening.  Day 50 on Lexapro. The extreme tiredness caused by the upped dose has resolved itself, as I expected. At least I believe that it has - I'm still tired all the time, but it's a slogging through the day, so many things to do with so little time tiredness, rather than the oh my god it's hitting me like a train  tiredness that I dealt with when I first started.  Mood: 5. So many little things set off little spurts of guilt that I couldn't just turn off.  I can't decide whether my understanding of how antidepressants are supposed to work from a scientific standpoint is a good thing or a bad thing as far as my outlook on my treatment. That understanding, combined with the general skepticism that I've built up in lacquered layers over time, means that I'm not expecting real results any time soon. On the other hand, though, I'm also very, very hesitant to say that any given improvement that I may notice is due to the drug. This is a system with a...

Evening, nonexistent reader.  Today was day 41 on Lexapro. The higher dose is definitely making me extremely tired; it's physically difficult to get out of bed in the morning, and even if I go to bed early , I still don't feel like I'm getting anywhere near enough sleep. I was so tired this morning that I couldn't make it to my 9am biostatistics course, which I find intensely distressing. However, Curly's also in that class, and she ever so graciously agreed to give me her notes for today. Knowing that my inability to make it to that class won't set me horrendously back is somewhat comforting, and slightly lessens the distress that being so tired that I can't get out of bed generates.  Mood: 5, at least I think it was. Perhaps it would be more accurate to say 5 +/- 1? Today has been a strange, strange internal day. I think that it'd be better if I started reporting my emotional state as a range - the number being the set point, the +/- value being ho...

Evening.  Day 15 on escitalopram. The jaw clenching is almost a constant thing, which concerns me.  I feel more or less the same way now as I did before starting Lexapro, which is to say that I feel like garbage.  Today's mood was a 3. I'd very much like to be spooned, but that's how I feel every day.  Nothing really happened today - I went grocery shopping with my folks, and got like $70 worth of fresh foods, which included half a pound of salmon, a head of broccoli, and a few Brussels sprouts, because I'm an adult and am trying to eat like one.  There's not really anything else to comment on. The things that have been on my mind today are the same things that bothered me yesterday and the day before; I'm not going to keep beating that dead horse and force you to read different iterations of the same thought processes over and over and over. Until tomorrow.  11 Mar 2017 

'lo, everyone. Hope your day went alright.  Day ten on escitalopram. I just learned that bruxism is a common side effect when starting an SSRI, which means that the jaw clenching I've been noticing over the past week is due to the drug. I brux as it is when I'm under stress in some way, and there are deadlines hanging over my head right now, so I wasn't sure if the clenching and grinding was due to that or to the drug. Occam's razor says it's the drug.  I'd rate today's mood a nice, level 5. I think that I'm returning to my normal baseline, which is good - I'm really not used to feeling distinctly good all the time, and I was getting a little worried about possible mania.  I don't have mania, just to clarify. Just depression.  Today was a standard, nothing-special day. Went to class. Worked in my lab. Went to more classes. Back to the lab. The only thing worth mentioning that happened is that I missed a chance to get a free mango smo...

Hi again. I know that this is going up on the 28th, and no, I didn't forget to post yesterday. Day 03 on Lexapro. My psychiatrist wasn't kidding when she said that it causes tiredness - I was completely wiped out by about 5, 6pm yesterday, slept from about 7 to 10, took the day's pill, then slept solidly from perhaps 11pm to 7:30am. On top of all that sleep, I woke up still feeling a bit tired, and am yawning as I compose this post. Hopefully this is something temporary, while my brain gets used to the presence of the escitalopram. On the bright side, though, I'm no longer nauseated after taking a pill, which is good. Nothing much of note happened yesterday, really - my weekly lab meeting was lively and productive, even though I still feel pretty useless in lab right now, had a brief chat with a friend (only worth mentioning because I get very few opportunities to socialize). Assuming that tiredness doesn't hit me like a truck around 5pm today again, I'l...

Hello again. Really got to work on coming up with titles. Anyway, this is day 02 on Lexapro. I'm starting to notice more side effects, though still mild - I woke up today around sunrise, which was about 6:30am today, and was unable to go back to sleep. That means that I only got maybe six hours of shut-eye, which isn't nearly enough for me to be a fully functioning human on. Hopefully, today was a fluke and not related to the drug, because I don't think that I'd be able to tolerate insufficient sleep for an indefinite period of time. The nausea I mentioned yesterday is pretty much gone, though Lexapro on an empty stomach makes me feel weird for a little while after I take it. Still no changes in mood. Nothing really of note happened today. Guess there's always tomorrow. 26 Feb 2017

I'm not sure what to title these posts, so it'll just be the date for now. Naming things isn't my forte. Today was the first full day on Lexapro, and I've only noticed very mild side effects. I started feeling tired far earlier than I normally do, even though I slept longer than usual. There was also some nausea - just enough to make me question each and every bite of food, which is probably a good thing, because I have a terrible habit of overeating. Thus far, I haven't noticed any change in my mood, though that's to be expected given that 1) the medication needs two to three weeks to begin working, and 2) I started treatment in overall good spirits. There really isn't much else to record; I didn't do much besides read today. Perhaps something interesting will happen tomorrow. 25 Feb 2017