Treatment Records

Happy Earth Day.  Day 58 on Lexapro. I'm extremely tired, and I don't forsee that changing.  Mood: 2 - 5.  I think that I'll add a descriptive component to my representation of my mood, because a number alone doesn't give enough information. They'll likely make more sense to me than to anyone else, but that's fine.  Like fire and acid and seismic forces in membranous crystal, hung upon silken thread above the sighing void;  and  The nameless being looks about in terror, suddenly no longer able to make sense of the patterns whose meaning came so easily; and  Slowly, with both resignation and determination, layer after layer peel away, until the core lay bare. Today, I marched for science. I didn't have a witty sign, or any sign, but I showed up in support. While there, I chatted at length with a geophysics professor, about my motivations for marching, my distaste for the underabundance of attention pair to invertebrates, and about my re...

Evening, whomever may read this message into the void.  Day 43 on Lexapro.  Mood: ~4.5 Today was...a day. It started off well enough, going to class, getting work done, going to class. I ignored and/or suppressed the growing unease of having to formally talk to Favorite Person - I didn't want to have this discussion, and there was no weasling out of it, or hoping that she'd forget, or just not bring it up.  We went to Chili's beforehand, because food is good. What we got is unimportant, though I much enjoyed just talking.  The mutually agreed upon location was the Japanese garden on campus, as it's a fairly quiet place and is conducive to discussion. We fed the koi and goldfish first, mostly to get rid of some stale fish food that I've had for a while. The greedy buggers enjoyed it, though I didn't see either of my two favorites - a giant koi I've named Whale, and another equally giant koi that I haven't given a name to.  I...I'm still tr...

[insert greeting] Day 35 on escitalopram.  Mood: 3. I feel hollow and numb, and like nothing I do will matter.  I met with my psychiatrist today. After I laid out how I've been worsening and haven't seen much benefit if any from the Lexapro, Dr. Gilbert presented me with two options: adding an antianxiety drug to take as needed, or increasing my dose. Since anxiety isn't a huge issue for me, at least I don't think that it is, I went with the larger dose - so now, I'll be taking the largest amount of escitalopram prescribed. The thought of taking the rest of this month's pills all in one go and intentionally overdosing on them crossed my mind, as such thoughts usually do. SSRIs aren't particularly lethal drugs, though, and high concentrations cause things like seizures and serotonin syndrome, and those aren't risks I'm willing to take in the name of stopping the pain for good.  That I considered killing myself at the lake over the weekend came...

Evening.  Yesterday was day 30 on Lexapro.  Overall mood: 3.5.  As I said, yesterday was spent camping and hiking. The first day of the trip was...queer. I started out feeling intensely guilty, which is always good for my enjoyment. I was supposed to meet up with the group at 9am to head over to the campsite, but because I missed so much sleep last week, I slept through all of my many alarms and woke up at 9:43. There was a long moment of panic and self-beration, because I was legitimately looked forward to the trip and, because I couldn't do something as simple as wake up on time, I was so sure that I wouldn't be able to go. Favorite Person (eventually I'm gonna get lazy and just abbreviate), who was leading this trip and is fortunately not at all like me in instances like this, offered to come back and pick me up after she'd set up camp with the group. I'm glad that she did, but at the same time...I don't feel as though I deserved it. By all rights, I sh...

Evening, all.  Day 20 on Lexapro. I take back what I said about less jaw clenching.  Today's mood was an overall 4.6, +/- 0.1.  Nothing really worth mentioning happened externally - I watched the last three episodes of Black Mirror , showered and shaved (I don't mind the way body hair looks; I just prefer the way hairless skin feels), and made salmon for dinner.  The salmon was quite good, even if I was a little too liberal in my use of salt and of cayenne. Mentally, not too much went on, since I was watching one thing or another all day and didn't have much time to ruminate. However, the indefinite span of time between me being aware of no longer being asleep and actually getting out of bed was decidedly unpleasant, because in those moments, all I could think about was how strongly I wanted to be near another warm body, preferably spooning someone soft and nice-smelling . I've probably said this before, but I'll repeat it here: I hate how strongly ...

Hello.  Day 18 on escitalopram.  Mood: 6  Today, I went to the Museum of Science and Industry with my best friend from high school (think that I'll call her Soul Sister). The weather was kind of crap, with lots of blowing snow, but I still had a good time, since neither of us had been to MSI since mid-2014. It was fun to see what had changed (not much) and what was the same (more or less everything), and it felt good to be back, since I spent more or less every weekend from fall 2010 to spring 2014 there volunteering. We did a nice speedthrough of the museum, going to the exhibits we especially love (like the chick hatchery, U-505, and fairy castle) and skipping the ones long established to be uninteresting (like the Pioneer Zephyr, toy factory,  and bike history). The crowds were pleasantly light, which does not come as a surprise, given that today is a Tuesday when the local kiddies all have school.  I always enjoy the time I spend with Soul Sister, pa...

Hello all.  At this point, I have to check previous entries to be sure what day of Lexapro this is. Today is day 17. I'm going to just omit the side effects section until something new comes up, if something new comes up, because I know that reading the same thing over and over and over again can't be interesting. Not that I have any readership to please or something like that. Mood-wise, today was a 5, but that's likely due to the fact that I was out and about, and it was snowy. Unlike the majority of the American populace, it seems, I truly, genuinely like snow and the cold and all it brings. It's the only time of year that I feel completely alive. I didn't think much about, well, thoughts and thinking, which is unusual. Chalking it up to being busy today. Anyway, I visited my high school, to chat with the teachers that I'm friends with. It was great to see them, and talk about how things are going (both on my end and on theirs), but there are also a lot few...

Hello, whomever may read this. I write you from my childhood home in Chicago.  Day 14 on Lexapro. I had a follow-up with my psychiatrist this morning - I don't know why I thought that 8:15am was a good time for an appointment - and mentioned the jaw clenching I've noticed to her. She seemed a little concerned about it, and said that we'd keep an eye on it, which makes me a little nervous. Hopefully it doesn't indicate that something terrible is going on.  Mentally, well, today wasn't a good day either. There was the stress of making sure that everything was done and packed and ready for the 5.5 hour trip up here, which wasn't helped by the fact that I am incredibly tired - it's been a few days since I've gone to sleep earlier than 1am.  On top of that, though, was a cold, slow sadness and longing, and a continuation of the feeling of being unwanted that I wrote on yesterday, intensified by the impending spatial separation. I'd rate today's ...

Hello again. Forgive me for missing a day; I was up late working on an assignment, and this got put off.  Day 13 on Lexapro. Aside from the jaw clenching, there's nothing to report side-effects wise.  Today was not a good day for me. On my 1 - 10 scale, today's overall mood was a 4. The good feeling I enjoyed the first few days on escitalopram is gone, and a sadness I've come to regard as familiar took its place, only with a hazy, foggy quality to it. I couldn't pinpoint a reason internal or external that I'm feeling this way if I tried.  I would be less bothered by the sadness if it weren't also accompanied by a feeling of being unwanted and unloved as well. The sensation of being a replaceable, throwaway, inconsequential satellite character in the lives of the people I'm closest to is intolerable, as is the feeling that they collectively are more important to me than I am to them. It's not something I'd wish on anyone. A part of me wants to g...

Hello everyone! Hope your days were good.  Today marks the end of my first week on Lexapro, and I'm quite happy with my progress - I no longer feel like garbage all the time, my outlook is less pessimistic, and I'm just generally more hopeful about life than I have been in a while. It's probably too early to draw any conclusions, but I think that the drug is doing exactly what it's supposed to, and with minimal side effects.  I've come to the conclusion that the increase in appetite I've noted over the past few days isn't due to some direct action of the drug. It's the result of my being significantly less depressed, and my depression acted to suppress my appetite. I'm not sure why it took me days to realize this, since I've known for about a year now that sudden decreases in appetite are a sure sign of an impending depressive episode. Feeling strongly compelled to eat more frequently than every twelve hours is strange for now, though eventua...