Treatment Records

I began composing this over three months ago, and never finished. And I never will. Enjoy. Morning. I know that I said I'd shoot for thrice weekly in my last post, but it's just going to be whenever I muster the will to compose something worth sharing.  As of this writing, I've been taking bupropion for 43 days. I tolerate it fairly well (though I have had headaches in the last two weeks that were , and overall, it's more helpful than escitalopram was. However, I think I'm reaching the point where my brain chemistry has fully adjusted to the presence of the drug - the point where I stop seeing improvement, the point where it's all downhill. An episode rolled in hard and fast a few days ago, with the first inklings coming on July 31st and full-blown depressive hell the day after. It left me unable to do much more than scroll idly through Facebook; I missed an entire day of work. I'm still not fully recovered from that period, not by any stretch of the imag...

Good evening from the village failure. Day 68 on escitalopram. No benefits, no side effects, but I can't stop taking it just  Mood: 3.5. Things have gone wrong, I know that they have, but my head is just numb enough to my usual anxieties that I can't find the motivation to change.  Well, I stayed up til 3:30ish this morning, fighting off the very strong urge to cut by writing instead. I'm not sure if what I chose to write was healthy, because I have a three page suicide letter and a short will now, but it kept me from giving myself further superficial incisions. In an odd way, it was very calming and very grounding to get it down, what I'd want my final words to my family, my friends, and the various teams I'm a member of. I've scrawled down things before, but the suicide notes of the past were angry, and finger-pointy. This one was different in a lot of ways, full of apology and regret.  I'm going to keep the file, just in case, but I hope that it n...

Evening.  Day 39 on Lexapro.  Mood: 3. Today has not been a good day for me. I didn't get the research grant that I applied for, which was a major blow - I had so much hope, and was looking forward to carrying out my project, so to have that dashed physically hurt. Immediately afterward, as I was walking back to my lab, I got stormed on, and soaked through all of my layers. It wasn't a good day to neither carry an umbrella nor wear a jacket...By the time I finally made it to the space that feels more like home than any other at this point in my life, I was shivering and trailing small puddles. Of course, I didn't have a change of clothes or anything, so I spent the next hour and a half or so mopping myself as best I could with paper towels, trying not to track water all over the lab.  Favorite Person gave me a ride back to my room.  Something I've noticed recently is that my mood changes much more unpredictably than is characteristic, and I'm having a ver...