Treatment Records

Morning.  I know that I said in my last post that I'd try to put things up at least a couple times a week. Clearly, I haven't done that. Trying to find the motivation to keep regular updates is difficult to say the least, between the sense that I'm not keeping up with what I need to do (so why should I devote time and effort to something not necessary?) and the feeling that no one's following this or cares, even though I know that that's not the case. The fact that sharing what goes on in my head and my perceptions of things is incredibly difficult as it is - even if I'm talking to someone I otherwise trust - doesn't make things any easier.  I'm going to try to keep things simpler, for my own sake. 

Hello, readers. It's been over a month since my last proper post. The most important event that has transpired is my transition from taking Lexapro to a new antidepressant, Wellbutrin (buproprion). I took Lexapro for a total of 133 days, and have been on buproprion for 27. So far, I've seen much more improvement on this drug than I did with escitalopram, and am experiencing fewer side effects. However, and this is critical, buproprion is a far less forgiving drug than Lexapro as far as the repercussions of missing doses. Missing just a single dose of buproprion results in a rapid and intense resurgence of all of the worst aspects of my depression - the feeling of worthlessness, the belief that no one cares about me, the sensation of profound separation, the desire to die. It was an experience that scared me such that the mere thought of not taking it, or not having access to my medicine, makes me anxious and fearful in a way that nothing else ever has. Overall, though, my depre...

Evening. Yes, I've missed quite a few days. I'll try to get myself back up to speed; if I can stay awake, there will be a bit of a post dump today.  Day 103 on Lexapro.  Mood: 5, I guess. It's hard to retroactively gauge how I was feeling, and then condense that into a single, neat number.  Since it's a few days out from the events of the 7th as I write this, I've probably forgotten small details as far as what went on, but that's fine. The gist is that I made my 7:45am flight back to O'Hare, got an Uber from the airport to the house of my childhood with my mother, and went to sleep later than I should have, considering how long I'd been awake.  Some inconsequential information that I do remember from the day: I slept through my 4am and 4:30am alarms, and was awoken by the sound of Favorite Person knocking on my door.  We found one member of our party that had disappeared the prior day, but lost another.  For some unknowable reason, Favorit...

Evening, dear readership. I'm a little tipsy as I write this.  Day 96 on Lexapro. Withdrawal hit me really hard today; I ended up caving and taking a 10mg half dose (turns out, my molars do a real damn good job of splitting pills), plus some ibuprofen. Let's see how I feel in the morning.  Mood: Well, right now, I'd rate myself a solid six. Today's also been a solid six. Sixes all around.  I did so many things today. Like, it's almost ridiculous how much I did. Had to ask Favorite Person like five times to go through the day so that I had it all straight.  First - Pier Art Center. It was cool.  Then - ring of Brogard. It was also cool, but it felt sacred and therefore like my being there was wrong.  Then - Maes Howe. It was also  cool. It seemed like a good place for an acid trip. Also, I met a cat. He or she was really nice and ate some of my cheese.  Then - Kirkwall again. Withdrawal started screwing me up at this point. I got ice ...

Evening. It's 10:06pm as I begin writing this, and the sky is far brighter than it should be.  Day 95 with Lexapro. The first mild twinges of withdrawal started occurring later today, at least I think that they have. I've not been listening to my body as closely as normally today. Mood: 6 overall,  4 right this second.  I really need to start religiously jotting things down as I do them; these days have been packed with activities, and I'm starting to forget what I've done a few hours after they happen.  The events that follow aren't necessarily in chronological order.  Some standing stones. I don't remember the name and I don't feel like looking it up. There were, for some reason, four sheep in the little enclosed area with the artifacts; naturally, I attempted to pet them. It didn't work - they all walked away from me as I approached, even the ones that were laying down. Sheep are kind of ugly and stupid-looking up close; I recommend observin...

Evening. I write to you from Orkney Island, a very nice little place. It's, ah, 11:46pm as I begin writing this post, and there's still light in the sky, which is incredibly strange. It should be completely dark by now, but I am significantly further north than I'm accustomed to. Day 94 with escitalopram. I've definitely reached the four-day threshold where I'd normally start feeling symptoms of withdrawal, but I still feel fairly normal. Hopefully this holds; I'll see if I can endure the entirety of the Orkney trip (three days, not including today) without it. That being said, I didn't leave the Lexapro back in Piperdam; should symptoms of withdrawal begin, and get to the point of being completely unbearable, I'd rather have it than not. Mood: 6.5. I laughed, I teased, I joked, I saw, I drank. I felt light; I felt grounded; I felt connected. Today was a good day.  Today was a day of travel, from the house in Piperdam to the hostel on Orkney. We left a...

Evening. I completely forgot that this blog exists yesterday, started writing this morning, forgot that I'd started writing, and here we are! Day 92 with Lexapro. It's been a couple days since I took any, and I'm waiting for withdrawal to kick in. Mood: 5.5. Wait, no, a cloud of 5.5 with points of 7.5 interspersed throughout. Like a conglomerate of emotion. Yesterday was spent exploring Glasgow. Before the trip began, the professor over the program said that there's a definite difference between Glasgow and Edinburgh as far as how the two cities feel, and he's definitely correct. Glasgow feels so much like my native Chicago - thrumming with life, full of gritty people, with so many things to do and see. It's a more industrial city, steel and concrete and straight lines, as opposed to the more reserved, scholarly air of Edinburgh. Both places are equally beautiful, just in radically different ways. Even though yesterday was my first time visiting, Glasgow felt li...

Evening, or afternoon? It's 9pm as I write this, but the sun is still high in the sky. Day 90 on Lexapro. Mood: 5.  Today, we went to Dunnottar Castle. It was a castle; I've seen a few by now, so it wasn't anything special to me. What was more fun, though, was being down on the rocky shore. There wasn't a whole lot of animal life to be found, aside from a good number of snails and a singular hermit crab, but I walked among the rocks and made some stacks of them. The fishing villages were kind of eh. Nothing really stood out to me. Lunch was butternut squash and leek soup with bread for dipping, and fried carrot croquettes that were entirely too sweet. Dinner was mashed potatoes, mashed turnips, haggis, and a beautiful whiskey sauce. Haggis is amazing - don't knock it until you've tried it! Dessert was a raspberry trifle. Mentally...I don't know. Today was a bit strange. On one hand, I didn't feel awful , but on the other, there was a strong sense of b...

Evening. Day 89 with Lexapro. I'm weighing the cost/benefits of stopping it cold turkey again, but I don't know if I can handle withdrawal again. Mood: 3. Today, I hiked up a mountain (though the Scots would call it "walking up a hill"), felt like garbage, and tried a cider that I really liked. It was Kopparberg strawberry and lime, and it is my new favorite alcoholic beverage. Getting to Loch Brandy, 2070' above sea level and about 1800' above the starting point, was a challenge, though more mentally than physically. Sure, I had to pause and rest more frequently than I would have liked, but my mind was a storm of why did I decide to do this? , I should turn around and go back down , what am I doing here? , I didn't deserve to go on this trip . Continuing to move forward despite all of what went on in my head was hard, to say the least. I did not enjoy the hike up; my body didn't like it, my mind didn't like it. The only reason I kept going was to ...

Evening. So much for getting these up at a more reasonable time. Day #87 on Lexapro. I feel like I'm slipping, and like there's a storm on the horizon. I don't know how big, or how far away, but it's there. Mood: 5. Today was spent walking around Edinburgh. Favorite Person and I, along with the rest of the group, started out at the Scottish National Portrait Museum. It was cool, I guess - as a science person, I don't really have the eyes to appreciate portraits beyond going "hm, yes, this is a portrait". Less than an hour was spent there before we left, looking for other things to see, though I did purchase a miniature plant press. It may come in handy, and didn't cost much. I bought a newspaper at Sainsbury's for my grandmother, bringing me up to a total of three papers for her. We moseyed over to the Waverley Mall, stopping first in an ultra-touristy shop. While there, I purchases a Highland cow plush for my sister, a Scotland pin for my good int...

Evening. I think that I'm going to write these posts in bits throughout the day, rather than try to hammer it out all at once at the end of the day. That way, there'll be more detail, and I won't be trying to recall what happened when I'm tired and very ready for bed. Today was day #86 on Lexapro.  I haven't felt any ill effects from the drug, or from forgetting to take it for several consecutive days. I also haven't noticed a marked improvement in mood that can be directly related to the escitalopram. My depression seems to be strongly linked to stress, and I am far, far less stressed out now that the semester is over. As a result, a part of me wants to try tapering off the Lexapro altogether and not starting another antidepressant as planned. At the same time, though, I don't want to withdraw that pharmacological support and then have a resurgence of the severe bouts I endured before beginning the drug. I'll have to talk to Dr. Gilbert about this, ...

Evening. Time's weird, yo.  Day 85? on Lexapro. Mood: 6.5. Well, I didn't sleep at all last night - rather, I stayed awake, doing whatever I could to not fall asleep, listening to so much music and watching YouTube and playing web games. My approach to get myself on UK time is simple if challenging - completely disrupt my sleep schedule in order to reset it. It seems to be working - it's 10:57pm as I write this, and it definitely feels like almost 11pm. I ate an incredibly late supper at around 12:30am. It was a chicken curry, rice, and naan, and I found it to be quite tasty. Dinner was accompanied by a glass of half red, half white wine - it was okay at best. I'm not a huge fan of dry stuff. Dessert was this fantastically rich but light lemon custard topped with strawberries; I wish I had had more of the stuff. Breakfast, around 9am, was leftovers from dinner, chicken and rice. It was still fantastically delicious. Since it was raining out, we ended up going to the U...

Happy Earth Day.  Day 58 on Lexapro. I'm extremely tired, and I don't forsee that changing.  Mood: 2 - 5.  I think that I'll add a descriptive component to my representation of my mood, because a number alone doesn't give enough information. They'll likely make more sense to me than to anyone else, but that's fine.  Like fire and acid and seismic forces in membranous crystal, hung upon silken thread above the sighing void;  and  The nameless being looks about in terror, suddenly no longer able to make sense of the patterns whose meaning came so easily; and  Slowly, with both resignation and determination, layer after layer peel away, until the core lay bare. Today, I marched for science. I didn't have a witty sign, or any sign, but I showed up in support. While there, I chatted at length with a geophysics professor, about my motivations for marching, my distaste for the underabundance of attention pair to invertebrates, and about my re...

Evening.  Day 37 on escitalopram. I don't seem to be having any additional side effects with the increased dose, which is a good thing. I've contemplated adding the number of days that I've been on this dose, but I'm too lazy and don't really want the header to get any more bulky than it already is.  Mood: 5.  I still feel better, but I have no confidence that it'll last. Each hour that passes is spent waiting for indications that I'll sink to a very low low once again, perhaps for the final time. Death seems to never be far from my mind, no matter what my current state may be.  Today, as I said in the last post, was spent volunteering - I pulled seven or eight pounds of the highly invasive plant garlic mustard, Alliaria petiolata , from natural areas in a preserve. It doesn't sound like much, but these weren't exactly huge plants. The largest one I pulled up was perhaps a foot tall, and that was just the tall spike that had flowers. Being th...

Evening, all.  Day 21 on Lexapro. Wow, it's been three weeks already? Time flies... I'd rate today's overall mood an even 6.  This post is going up later than normal since I got in from a concert not too long ago. Soul Sister and I went to go see this guy Haywyre perform. Neither of us were really all that familiar with his work beforehand, but we wanted to go see someone while I was in town, and his was the only show that was really up our alleys (and in our budgets). He's characterized as being a dubstep producer, but I wouldn't consider his music dubstep. It's all so varied, with influence from so many different genres. Jazz, early 2000s R&B, house, funk, to name a few.  It took me a little while to relax and loosen up, but by the end of his set, my feet were tapping and my hips were moving. I thoroughly enjoyed each track, eyes often closed to more completely lose myself in the music. Tonight, there were several stretches of time where my mind was ...