19 Apr 2017 - Game
[greeting]
Day 55 on Lexapro. The jaw clenching has started up again, and other people have commented on how tired I look.
Mood: 2.5. This week has been extremely rough, and I don't have time to breathe.
I don't know what to write for today. I feel like a failure, still, though today that feeling has a distinct set of point sources. There was an exam for a class that is chewing me up today, and even though I remember some answers based on things I learned four years ago in AP Biology, I have little faith that I'll do well. On top of that, in my biological chemistry lab this evening, a gaggle of pre-med students loudly discussed how spectacularly well they're doing. It's very distressing to hear people talk about how they have 103, 107% in a class, when I'm barely scraping by and will likely have to retake it.
I know that I place far too much importance on my academic standing and on my performance. I just don't know what else to base my worth on.
Something I've been thinking about a lot lately is game development, as a medium to explain and express how I feel, and why. It might be a good way to do so, better than sloppy words or incomprehensible drawings. That's a skill set that I don't have the time to develop, though, not right now. Perhaps over the summer when I'm alone in the house and have nothing to do and no one to speak to.
The body issues I discussed yesterday are still issues today, though I don't believe that they're as important as my academic anxieties and fears. Favorite Person disagrees, but we have very different perspectives.
A strong urge to create something has been hard to ignore as of late. I don't know what I want to make, but I want to make something. Leather, flowers, and paper feel attractive right now.
I don't know. My head feels like it's full of down, and not in a pleasant way.
Until then, I guess.
My dad finished chewing something and then put his fork down and looked at me. “The longer I do my job,” he said, “the more I realize that humans lack good mirrors. It’s so hard for anyone to show us how we look, and so hard for us to show anyone how we feel.”
19 Apr 2017
Day 55 on Lexapro. The jaw clenching has started up again, and other people have commented on how tired I look.
Mood: 2.5. This week has been extremely rough, and I don't have time to breathe.
I don't know what to write for today. I feel like a failure, still, though today that feeling has a distinct set of point sources. There was an exam for a class that is chewing me up today, and even though I remember some answers based on things I learned four years ago in AP Biology, I have little faith that I'll do well. On top of that, in my biological chemistry lab this evening, a gaggle of pre-med students loudly discussed how spectacularly well they're doing. It's very distressing to hear people talk about how they have 103, 107% in a class, when I'm barely scraping by and will likely have to retake it.
I know that I place far too much importance on my academic standing and on my performance. I just don't know what else to base my worth on.
Something I've been thinking about a lot lately is game development, as a medium to explain and express how I feel, and why. It might be a good way to do so, better than sloppy words or incomprehensible drawings. That's a skill set that I don't have the time to develop, though, not right now. Perhaps over the summer when I'm alone in the house and have nothing to do and no one to speak to.
The body issues I discussed yesterday are still issues today, though I don't believe that they're as important as my academic anxieties and fears. Favorite Person disagrees, but we have very different perspectives.
A strong urge to create something has been hard to ignore as of late. I don't know what I want to make, but I want to make something. Leather, flowers, and paper feel attractive right now.
I don't know. My head feels like it's full of down, and not in a pleasant way.
Until then, I guess.
My dad finished chewing something and then put his fork down and looked at me. “The longer I do my job,” he said, “the more I realize that humans lack good mirrors. It’s so hard for anyone to show us how we look, and so hard for us to show anyone how we feel.”
19 Apr 2017
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