20 Apr 2017 - Analysis of Variance

Day 56 on Lexapro. I'm so tired.

 Mood: 4, +/- 1. I had time to interact with people today, and in the moment, it truly lifted my spirits. Afterwards, though, I was alone again, and the yawning void that is my mind was my only company. 

 Today was up and down, or baseline and down. I had another appointment with Dr. Gilbert today, and I'm really getting frustrated with these check-ins because they play out the same way each and every time. I take the Beck depression inventory. She asks me if I've noticed any improvement at all on the Lexapro. I say no, I still feel the same. She says that we'll give it a couple more weeks. It's been nearly two months on this drug, and I still feel the same. I haven't changed between before I started on it and now, and it's disheartening. I had so much hope in the beginning, and my mood was so good for a few days, and my head was so clear, and I felt like a weight had been lifted from me. But things have gone back to what is my normal, even with the increased dosage. 

 Maybe I'm just not meant to be free of this thing. Maybe I'm supposed to be miserable forever.
Other things happened today, but they don't feel important right now. I have a biostatistics exam in the morning, and I have no hope for it. 

 Until then. 

 And in the silence, it became so very clear
That you had long ago disappeared 
I cursed myself for being surprised
That this didn't play like it did in my mind

 20 Apr 2017

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