10 Apr 2017 - Reasons to Die, Reasons to Live

Day 46 on Lexapro. 

 Mood: 2.7

 Reasons to die:
Permanent end to the pain
No longer a source of financial strain
No longer a burden to anyone 
No more failures 
No more disappointment 
No more hoping for relief that won't come
No more extreme guilt
No more shame 
Eternal peace

 Reasons to live:
Death would cause Favorite Person and Soul Sister extreme pain
Don't want to let the multiple stressors group down
Don't want to let the lab group down  
Cats won't understand why I never come home 
Fish depend on me 
Co-admins need a bee expert
Haven't been to all 50 states yet
Haven't caught a bee from all 50 states yet
Haven't upheld my promises to name bees after people yet 
Haven't gotten a bachelor's yet 
Haven't gotten a PhD yet 
Haven't seen the ocean 
Haven't met internet friends yet 
Haven't dated anyone yet 
Wouldn't have opportunities to reread The Amber Spyglass otherwise
Strong, sweet samurai chai mate from a cast iron pot 
The smell of my cats' fur 
Warm beds and soft plushes on rainy days 
The first snow of winter 
Deep conversations with friends past midnight 
Late summer beach trips 
Hugs, kisses, cuddles, and the company of those I love 
The heady scent of lily of the valley 
Midmorning sunshine 
. . .

 Shock me awake
Tear me apart
Pinned like a note in a hospital gown
Prison of sleep 
Deeper down
The rabbit hole
Never to be found again

10 Apr 2017 


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