12 Apr 2017 - Malnourishment
Day 48 on escitalopram.
Mood: 4. I feel like a complete failure. Everything in my environment makes me feel like a complete and utter failure. I don't know why I bother try; nothing I ever do is good enough, not for my instructors, not for the people around me, not for myself.
I've noticed that my hair and nails no longer grow as fast as they used to, and wounds take longer to fully heal, even as my face and belly get rounder. It's probably due to the fact that my current diet of garbage (and too little, even of that) doesn't supply me with all the nutrients I need, and my body is beginning to show signs of damage. My eating habits have been objectively detrimental to my health for a while, what with my usual two meals a day, if that, and not uncommon periods of fasting lasting a full day or more. I don't know if it's due to my depression, my poor body image, or a toxic intersection of both, but I know that my relationship with food isn't healthy. I'm just not sure I care enough to make an effort to change, even though Favorite Person and other friends have voiced concerns on several occasions. The feeling that I don't deserve food at all is hard to overcome, as is the immediate sense that I consumed too much after any meals, regardless of the size, and the guilt+shame that accompanies it.
I've thought about discussing eating disorders with my therapist, or formally asking a doctor to run tests to see if I'm actually malnourished (and if so, in what way or ways), but I've already got enough problems to address in a finite period of time. So long as I'm lucid and ambulatory, I can deal.
Aside from the sense that I'm a total and absolute failure that permeates my existence, there's not much else to report on. The feeling that I can no longer freely discuss my state with Favorite Person continues.
Can't escape this line of best fit
Can't escape this line of best fit
12 Apr 2017
Mood: 4. I feel like a complete failure. Everything in my environment makes me feel like a complete and utter failure. I don't know why I bother try; nothing I ever do is good enough, not for my instructors, not for the people around me, not for myself.
I've noticed that my hair and nails no longer grow as fast as they used to, and wounds take longer to fully heal, even as my face and belly get rounder. It's probably due to the fact that my current diet of garbage (and too little, even of that) doesn't supply me with all the nutrients I need, and my body is beginning to show signs of damage. My eating habits have been objectively detrimental to my health for a while, what with my usual two meals a day, if that, and not uncommon periods of fasting lasting a full day or more. I don't know if it's due to my depression, my poor body image, or a toxic intersection of both, but I know that my relationship with food isn't healthy. I'm just not sure I care enough to make an effort to change, even though Favorite Person and other friends have voiced concerns on several occasions. The feeling that I don't deserve food at all is hard to overcome, as is the immediate sense that I consumed too much after any meals, regardless of the size, and the guilt+shame that accompanies it.
I've thought about discussing eating disorders with my therapist, or formally asking a doctor to run tests to see if I'm actually malnourished (and if so, in what way or ways), but I've already got enough problems to address in a finite period of time. So long as I'm lucid and ambulatory, I can deal.
Aside from the sense that I'm a total and absolute failure that permeates my existence, there's not much else to report on. The feeling that I can no longer freely discuss my state with Favorite Person continues.
Can't escape this line of best fit
Can't escape this line of best fit
12 Apr 2017
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