27 Apr 2017 - Slip

Evening. I don't know why I bother with a formal greeting when there's no one to offend. 

 Day 63 on Lexapro.

 Mood: a very watery 3. 
The feeling that my head is full of fog continues today, which was detrimental to my ability to get work done. It took almost eight hours to get about 120 specimens pinned today, when it should have taken three at the absolute most. There are easily another hundred specimens left to process, and I can't take that long on them tomorrow. All of these bees, and leps, and flies need to be mounted before I leave my lab for the weekend; otherwise, I'll start getting backed up, and that thought stresses me out quite a bit. 
Something I've noticed today is that the thought of eating is slightly distressing, and that eating makes me gag a tiny bit. Those, combined with the fact that ingesting anything - eggs, veggie sandwich, cookies - makes me feel absolutely disgusting is concerning to say the least, but I still believe that it's not serious enough to seek out help or to talk to a professional. Time will tell. 
A thought that's bothered me for some time now is that I have no idea what about me is likable, and by extension, I have no idea why people don't drop me once they learn more about me. Favorite Person, Soul Sister, Curly - I don't understand why they keep me around, especially given how deep my cracks run. They all deserve the company of better, less imperfect people than I. 
It feels like a mental storm is coming on; as usual, I don't know what if anything set it off. I'll just try to stay in my room as much as I can, avoiding people, hiding myself. 

 Until then. 
Usually, when things have gone this far
People tend to disappear 
No one will surprise me
Unless you do 
27 Apr 2017 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Monologue

More than anything, this blog is feeling less like a record of my experience than a gaping hole to toss thoughts I can't otherwise express into. Hardly anyone will read these, so whatever I say here is more or less shouting into an infinite void that will never respond, no matter how much I want it to. I know that a lot of people talk to themselves more or less continuously in their minds, but I wonder how many have to endure a constant internal war between two mutually exclusive perspectives. A constant war where you have no idea which side is real, or if either side is real, or if anything that goes on can be trusted in any capacity. It's a miracle that I'm able to function at all when I can't trust any thought that crosses my mind. She doesn't give a shit about you, and she probably never has. Probably wants you gone, out of her space, out of her life.         She does care, she just needs space. You know exactly the toll you've taken; she deserves to take...
Read more

28 Apr 2017 - Late Night, Bee Night

Yes, this post is late.  Day 64.  Mood: ~3.5.  I spent approximately twelve hours in my lab, starting to work at 4pm 28 Apr and leaving around 4am 29 Apr. I told myself that it was because I wanted to finish processing specimens before the weekend, and that's what I told Favorite Person and Curly, who both inquired. In truth, though, I needed a long distraction from the mounting sense of being a failure. You see, from an early age, much of my sense of self-worth was based on my academic performance, and my involvement with things. I had praise for my intelligence heaped on heavily from the beginning, and that praise somehow eventually generated extremely high standards set for myself, standards that I've never been able to meet.  Then, I befriend Favorite Person, who I watch meet and exceed the bar I set for myself, achieving what I expect of myself but am never able to accomplish. I'm always happy for her successes, because that's what friends do, but watchi...
Read more

30 Apr 2017 - Big Long Sleep

Evening.  Day 66 on Lexapro.  Mood: 5.  Warm, damp, they pause Contemplating the state of them And of things  And of rivers and of wind and of psyche The shimmering fish leaps, breaking the membrane  It quivers, thickly joyous, penetrated Virgin droplets fall from above  They watch, they feel, they sigh, Continuing on  Unsure footprints mark their passage  Today was an okay day. I woke up at 1:16pm, a bless'd just  twelve hours of sweet, dream-filled rest that I want to get again and again and again. After laying in bed for a couple hours, I talked to my mom for about 45 minutes, listening to her relay the saga of the last five, six days of her life - a cousin is battling breast cancer, and my mom has somehow become the person in the family that cares for those that are ill, makes sure that their medical stuff is all in order, and she had to make an emergency trip to visit. My relationship with my mother is odd, at least from...
Read more