22 Apr 2017 - Like Fire and Powder
Happy Earth Day.
Day 58 on Lexapro. I'm extremely tired, and I don't forsee that changing.
Mood: 2 - 5. I think that I'll add a descriptive component to my representation of my mood, because a number alone doesn't give enough information. They'll likely make more sense to me than to anyone else, but that's fine.
Like fire and acid and seismic forces in membranous crystal, hung upon silken thread above the sighing void;
and
The nameless being looks about in terror, suddenly no longer able to make sense of the patterns whose meaning came so easily;
and
Slowly, with both resignation and determination, layer after layer peel away, until the core lay bare.
Today, I marched for science. I didn't have a witty sign, or any sign, but I showed up in support. While there, I chatted at length with a geophysics professor, about my motivations for marching, my distaste for the underabundance of attention pair to invertebrates, and about my research. I don't remember his name, but it felt good to talk to someone without feeling a wave, surge, or pulse of guilt. Favorite Person, naturally, marched as well, as did a mutual that I'm not fond of (I haven't decided if I care enough to come up with an anonym for them). I tend to feel shunted away whenever said mutual is present, or rather, I shunt myself away. There was an immediate recognition of my slowly distancing myself from them, beginning with walking slowly enough that there was a pad of several other marchers between me and them and ending with my walking away from the gathering at the end of the march to sit alone. I knew what I was doing as I was doing it, and didn't try to fight.
I haven't figured out exactly why I respond the way that I do to the combination of Favorite Person + the aforementioned mutual, but I do know that I don't know anymore why I don't like that human in particular. Not liking someone and not knowing precisely why is distressing to me, because I hate disliking people. That's not to say that I want to like any and everyone, quite the opposite - I'm fine with not liking people. Active dislike costs energy, though, and energy is something that I have a very limited supply of. That I'm going to be living with this person (and Favorite Person, and Curly) very soon makes this that much worse.
This is an area that I've pondered for a while now, and I have as much insight today as I did when I began thinking about it.
One thing that I've pondered that I have solved, though, is why I felt (and, to a degree, still feel) so uncomfortable around Favorite Person. It's a conclusion and explanation that I reached Thursday, a few minutes before midnight, but didn't want to write about here just yet as I didn't want Favorite Person to see it here before hearing it from me. The reason for my discomfort is that I am deeply ashamed of myself whenever I'm around her. This is a woman that has seen me at my worst, at my absolute lowest, and that is something that I find deeply shameful. She's seen firsthand how I've suffered, how much pain I've been in, how I've struggled; she, more than anyone else that I've ever known, has been given the clearest view of my tormented soul, been allowed to see my mangled core, with few filters and little smoothening - I'm so ashamed of what she knows, more completely than anyone else that I've ever met. Not that she knows, but what, and that deep-seated shame metamorphosed into a discomfort that I couldn't explain.
There was a soft breath of satisfaction, in figuring out the source of the discomfort that so eluded me. At the same time, though, one answer raised more questions. Knowing the cause is comforting, yes, but I don't yet know what to do with that information. I don't know how to lessen that shame, or change my perception of it.
Other things came up in the discussion, things that I don't want to discuss here, but all in all, it was a relief to talk about the thoughts and fears that have been echoing in my mind for a long time now. I'm infinitely grateful that she is as patient and understanding as she is.
To discuss other things, I've felt a very diffuse but still very hot anger for the past few days, which Favorite Person unfortunately got a lot of heat from. I don't know the exact source of the anger, or what set it off, but I don't like it at all. I hate being angry, especially when there is no discernible or discrete cause. My initial thought is that it's a as-of-yet undetermined frustration that hasn't been properly expressed, but I don't really know. Figuring out what causes what in my head takes a long, long time to say the least, and that's not for lack of trying.
Over the past week or so, I've been firmly latched onto the idea of committing suicide to cause people, especially Favorite Person, extreme pain. The very thought is highly, highly repugnant to me, because that is the antithesis of how I truly feel, but my mind has drifted back to the image time and time again - me sitting, slumped over, at the table in the apartment I'll be moving into, a glass and half-finished bottle of something sweet and white in front of me, surgical blades in careful order, red blood beginning to coagulate on my left wrist. A note with the password to unlock my computer, and instructions to read the document that will be open. Favorite Person coming home to find me unconscious, and bloodied, and screaming my name as she connects the dots....It's a scenario that feels more and more like a glimpse into my future than some sick daydream. More and more details are added each time I return to the thought.
My fixation in this area scares me, but I'm still afraid to discuss the full extent with either my therapist or my psychiatrist.
I don't think that there's anything else worth mentioning from today. Tomorrow is a full day of field work, starting at 7am and ending god knows when. I'll be tired when I start, and I'll be tired when I stop, but hey, I'll be getting paid for it.
Until then.
All I know is that it feels like forever
When no one ever tells you that forever feels like home
Sitting all alone inside your head
22 Apr 2017
Day 58 on Lexapro. I'm extremely tired, and I don't forsee that changing.
Mood: 2 - 5. I think that I'll add a descriptive component to my representation of my mood, because a number alone doesn't give enough information. They'll likely make more sense to me than to anyone else, but that's fine.
Like fire and acid and seismic forces in membranous crystal, hung upon silken thread above the sighing void;
and
The nameless being looks about in terror, suddenly no longer able to make sense of the patterns whose meaning came so easily;
and
Slowly, with both resignation and determination, layer after layer peel away, until the core lay bare.
Today, I marched for science. I didn't have a witty sign, or any sign, but I showed up in support. While there, I chatted at length with a geophysics professor, about my motivations for marching, my distaste for the underabundance of attention pair to invertebrates, and about my research. I don't remember his name, but it felt good to talk to someone without feeling a wave, surge, or pulse of guilt. Favorite Person, naturally, marched as well, as did a mutual that I'm not fond of (I haven't decided if I care enough to come up with an anonym for them). I tend to feel shunted away whenever said mutual is present, or rather, I shunt myself away. There was an immediate recognition of my slowly distancing myself from them, beginning with walking slowly enough that there was a pad of several other marchers between me and them and ending with my walking away from the gathering at the end of the march to sit alone. I knew what I was doing as I was doing it, and didn't try to fight.
I haven't figured out exactly why I respond the way that I do to the combination of Favorite Person + the aforementioned mutual, but I do know that I don't know anymore why I don't like that human in particular. Not liking someone and not knowing precisely why is distressing to me, because I hate disliking people. That's not to say that I want to like any and everyone, quite the opposite - I'm fine with not liking people. Active dislike costs energy, though, and energy is something that I have a very limited supply of. That I'm going to be living with this person (and Favorite Person, and Curly) very soon makes this that much worse.
This is an area that I've pondered for a while now, and I have as much insight today as I did when I began thinking about it.
One thing that I've pondered that I have solved, though, is why I felt (and, to a degree, still feel) so uncomfortable around Favorite Person. It's a conclusion and explanation that I reached Thursday, a few minutes before midnight, but didn't want to write about here just yet as I didn't want Favorite Person to see it here before hearing it from me. The reason for my discomfort is that I am deeply ashamed of myself whenever I'm around her. This is a woman that has seen me at my worst, at my absolute lowest, and that is something that I find deeply shameful. She's seen firsthand how I've suffered, how much pain I've been in, how I've struggled; she, more than anyone else that I've ever known, has been given the clearest view of my tormented soul, been allowed to see my mangled core, with few filters and little smoothening - I'm so ashamed of what she knows, more completely than anyone else that I've ever met. Not that she knows, but what, and that deep-seated shame metamorphosed into a discomfort that I couldn't explain.
There was a soft breath of satisfaction, in figuring out the source of the discomfort that so eluded me. At the same time, though, one answer raised more questions. Knowing the cause is comforting, yes, but I don't yet know what to do with that information. I don't know how to lessen that shame, or change my perception of it.
Other things came up in the discussion, things that I don't want to discuss here, but all in all, it was a relief to talk about the thoughts and fears that have been echoing in my mind for a long time now. I'm infinitely grateful that she is as patient and understanding as she is.
To discuss other things, I've felt a very diffuse but still very hot anger for the past few days, which Favorite Person unfortunately got a lot of heat from. I don't know the exact source of the anger, or what set it off, but I don't like it at all. I hate being angry, especially when there is no discernible or discrete cause. My initial thought is that it's a as-of-yet undetermined frustration that hasn't been properly expressed, but I don't really know. Figuring out what causes what in my head takes a long, long time to say the least, and that's not for lack of trying.
Over the past week or so, I've been firmly latched onto the idea of committing suicide to cause people, especially Favorite Person, extreme pain. The very thought is highly, highly repugnant to me, because that is the antithesis of how I truly feel, but my mind has drifted back to the image time and time again - me sitting, slumped over, at the table in the apartment I'll be moving into, a glass and half-finished bottle of something sweet and white in front of me, surgical blades in careful order, red blood beginning to coagulate on my left wrist. A note with the password to unlock my computer, and instructions to read the document that will be open. Favorite Person coming home to find me unconscious, and bloodied, and screaming my name as she connects the dots....It's a scenario that feels more and more like a glimpse into my future than some sick daydream. More and more details are added each time I return to the thought.
My fixation in this area scares me, but I'm still afraid to discuss the full extent with either my therapist or my psychiatrist.
I don't think that there's anything else worth mentioning from today. Tomorrow is a full day of field work, starting at 7am and ending god knows when. I'll be tired when I start, and I'll be tired when I stop, but hey, I'll be getting paid for it.
Until then.
All I know is that it feels like forever
When no one ever tells you that forever feels like home
Sitting all alone inside your head
22 Apr 2017
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