Honey locust
My world is on fire and more often than not, it feels good to fan those flames onto the people around me.
I know that it's not a good thing to do, and it's generally something that I try to keep contained when possible, but I would be a liar if I said that loosening my resolve and turning into a ball of thorns to the people close to me doesn't feel good.
It's something that I discussed with my counselor last semester - at least the ball of thorns bit, not it feeling good. I know why I do it; it gives justification to the feeling that people don't want me around, which in turn stems from the feeling of being unworthy of the friendship of those that for some reason haven't gotten rid of me already. Be nasty, be mean, push them away - do that before they have opportunity to ruin you. Be a ball of thorns and be lonely but not hurt, because people will always cause hurt, it's all people are capable of, it's all they want to do.
Or at least that's how the line of thought goes.
The juxtaposition of both not wanting my friends to experience psychological distress while also wanting on some level to inflict as much long-lasting harm as possible isn't one that I understand. They're mutually exclusive, and yet coexist, with both being equally true in some way. It's hard to explain, if you haven't been in a similar situation.
As an aside, this clip is more or less an accurate depiction of what goes on in my head all the time. The accuracy and truth of it hurts.
I know that it's not a good thing to do, and it's generally something that I try to keep contained when possible, but I would be a liar if I said that loosening my resolve and turning into a ball of thorns to the people close to me doesn't feel good.
It's something that I discussed with my counselor last semester - at least the ball of thorns bit, not it feeling good. I know why I do it; it gives justification to the feeling that people don't want me around, which in turn stems from the feeling of being unworthy of the friendship of those that for some reason haven't gotten rid of me already. Be nasty, be mean, push them away - do that before they have opportunity to ruin you. Be a ball of thorns and be lonely but not hurt, because people will always cause hurt, it's all people are capable of, it's all they want to do.
Or at least that's how the line of thought goes.
The juxtaposition of both not wanting my friends to experience psychological distress while also wanting on some level to inflict as much long-lasting harm as possible isn't one that I understand. They're mutually exclusive, and yet coexist, with both being equally true in some way. It's hard to explain, if you haven't been in a similar situation.
As an aside, this clip is more or less an accurate depiction of what goes on in my head all the time. The accuracy and truth of it hurts.
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