16 Apr 2017 - Tainted
Evening.
Day 52 on Lexapro. I've had a low ringing in both ears for a few days now, and there's been a rippling headache in the evenings as well, independent of food, drink, or sleep. They're probably not related to the escitalopram, but this is the section I've kind of dedicated to changes in my physical health.
Mood: 5 +/- 1. More time was spent in the lower range of the scale.
Well. I went hiking like I said I was. The trail was beautiful, like I expected, there were tons of flowers, like I expected, but...I didn't enjoy it, not all of it. As stated before, Favorite Person and Curly went with me, and things were all fine for the first half mile, three quarter miles. After that point, though, I began to get a very, very strong sense that my presence wasn't wanted. In the moment, I recognized that there was no logical reason for that feeling - after all, it was my enthusiasm for the place that brought us all out, since I was the only one in the trio that had been to the area - but the feeling was still there, and it was still strong. I wanted to sprint the rest of the path, to get back to my dark room and my bed and sequester myself away from an unforgiving world.
Experiencing strong, negative emotions in distinct places results in the formation of strong, negative associations with those locations. I'm not going to be able to go back to that trail without experiencing a resurgence of the feeling of being unwanted, not for a long time. This brings my total number of tainted trails to two, and my number of tainted locations in general to six.
It's frustrating how my depression robs my of opportunities to enjoy activities I otherwise love, to be happy for longer than a moment or two. I wanted to go out, to go back to the research site. I was looking forward to it. And now my memory of the place has been marred, because my diseased brain won't cooperate.
The rest of the day was spent more or less productively, working in the library on a group project. Favorite Person and Curly are on the team, naturally, but the presence of a third individual that I get along very well with (but won't feature strongly enough in my stories for an anonym) made things bearable. I laughed, yes, I made jokes, yes, I worked hard and contributed, yes, but deep down, I just wanted to get away.
After working, I tried eating and drinking my headache away, and that normally works, but not this time. I don't have any pain relievers, either, so I've just been suffering.
It's not like I don't deserve it.
I have three exams this week, none of which I'm prepared for. There's no resting, not for me.
And we go on, and we go on
And we go on, go on, go on, go on
We don't belong, we don't belong
We don't belong, belong, belong
To anyone
16 Apr 2017
Day 52 on Lexapro. I've had a low ringing in both ears for a few days now, and there's been a rippling headache in the evenings as well, independent of food, drink, or sleep. They're probably not related to the escitalopram, but this is the section I've kind of dedicated to changes in my physical health.
Mood: 5 +/- 1. More time was spent in the lower range of the scale.
Well. I went hiking like I said I was. The trail was beautiful, like I expected, there were tons of flowers, like I expected, but...I didn't enjoy it, not all of it. As stated before, Favorite Person and Curly went with me, and things were all fine for the first half mile, three quarter miles. After that point, though, I began to get a very, very strong sense that my presence wasn't wanted. In the moment, I recognized that there was no logical reason for that feeling - after all, it was my enthusiasm for the place that brought us all out, since I was the only one in the trio that had been to the area - but the feeling was still there, and it was still strong. I wanted to sprint the rest of the path, to get back to my dark room and my bed and sequester myself away from an unforgiving world.
Experiencing strong, negative emotions in distinct places results in the formation of strong, negative associations with those locations. I'm not going to be able to go back to that trail without experiencing a resurgence of the feeling of being unwanted, not for a long time. This brings my total number of tainted trails to two, and my number of tainted locations in general to six.
It's frustrating how my depression robs my of opportunities to enjoy activities I otherwise love, to be happy for longer than a moment or two. I wanted to go out, to go back to the research site. I was looking forward to it. And now my memory of the place has been marred, because my diseased brain won't cooperate.
The rest of the day was spent more or less productively, working in the library on a group project. Favorite Person and Curly are on the team, naturally, but the presence of a third individual that I get along very well with (but won't feature strongly enough in my stories for an anonym) made things bearable. I laughed, yes, I made jokes, yes, I worked hard and contributed, yes, but deep down, I just wanted to get away.
After working, I tried eating and drinking my headache away, and that normally works, but not this time. I don't have any pain relievers, either, so I've just been suffering.
It's not like I don't deserve it.
I have three exams this week, none of which I'm prepared for. There's no resting, not for me.
And we go on, and we go on
And we go on, go on, go on, go on
We don't belong, we don't belong
We don't belong, belong, belong
To anyone
16 Apr 2017
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