03 Apr 2017 - Disappointment

Evening. 

 Day 39 on Lexapro. 

 Mood: 3.

 Today has not been a good day for me. I didn't get the research grant that I applied for, which was a major blow - I had so much hope, and was looking forward to carrying out my project, so to have that dashed physically hurt. Immediately afterward, as I was walking back to my lab, I got stormed on, and soaked through all of my layers. It wasn't a good day to neither carry an umbrella nor wear a jacket...By the time I finally made it to the space that feels more like home than any other at this point in my life, I was shivering and trailing small puddles. Of course, I didn't have a change of clothes or anything, so I spent the next hour and a half or so mopping myself as best I could with paper towels, trying not to track water all over the lab. 

 Favorite Person gave me a ride back to my room. 
Something I've noticed recently is that my mood changes much more unpredictably than is characteristic, and I'm having a very hard time figuring out why I'm feeling any given thing at any given moment. With Favorite Person being the human I communicate with more than any other, this means that she gets the brunt of my being unstable, which is extremely unfair to her. I go from wanting to yell at her for not caring to wanting her to hug me and hold me close in a short period of time, and that kind of rapid transition scares me. 

 I've also noticed that the preoccupation with suicide has become more pronounced, and it's something my brain leaps to far more often and with greater speed and enthusiasm than is healthy, even for me. Favorite Person thinks that I should tell someone (beyond her), and on one hand, I agree with her. At the same time, though, I'm afraid that my psychiatrist or someone else will deem me a threat to myself, and recommend that I stay in a mental hospital for a while or something like that. 
Even though I know that it's not true, I can't shake off the feeling that I'm not worth it, and that the people who have invested time and energy in and are emotionally attached to me are misguided. I don't feel that I deserve the companionship of anyone, even though I know it's not true. 
I haven't drawn up a list of things to discuss with Favorite Person on Friday, and the closer I get to the date, the more twisted up inside I feel. I just want to curl up and cease to exist. 
This post has been more disjointed than usual, and for that I apologize. 

 until then

 03 April 2017

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

28 Apr 2017 - Late Night, Bee Night

Yes, this post is late.  Day 64.  Mood: ~3.5.  I spent approximately twelve hours in my lab, starting to work at 4pm 28 Apr and leaving around 4am 29 Apr. I told myself that it was because I wanted to finish processing specimens before the weekend, and that's what I told Favorite Person and Curly, who both inquired. In truth, though, I needed a long distraction from the mounting sense of being a failure. You see, from an early age, much of my sense of self-worth was based on my academic performance, and my involvement with things. I had praise for my intelligence heaped on heavily from the beginning, and that praise somehow eventually generated extremely high standards set for myself, standards that I've never been able to meet.  Then, I befriend Favorite Person, who I watch meet and exceed the bar I set for myself, achieving what I expect of myself but am never able to accomplish. I'm always happy for her successes, because that's what friends do, but watchi...
Read more

24 May 2017 - Scotland Day 05 - Glen Clova Hill "Walk"

Evening. Day 89 with Lexapro. I'm weighing the cost/benefits of stopping it cold turkey again, but I don't know if I can handle withdrawal again. Mood: 3. Today, I hiked up a mountain (though the Scots would call it "walking up a hill"), felt like garbage, and tried a cider that I really liked. It was Kopparberg strawberry and lime, and it is my new favorite alcoholic beverage. Getting to Loch Brandy, 2070' above sea level and about 1800' above the starting point, was a challenge, though more mentally than physically. Sure, I had to pause and rest more frequently than I would have liked, but my mind was a storm of why did I decide to do this? , I should turn around and go back down , what am I doing here? , I didn't deserve to go on this trip . Continuing to move forward despite all of what went on in my head was hard, to say the least. I did not enjoy the hike up; my body didn't like it, my mind didn't like it. The only reason I kept going was to ...
Read more

Monologue

More than anything, this blog is feeling less like a record of my experience than a gaping hole to toss thoughts I can't otherwise express into. Hardly anyone will read these, so whatever I say here is more or less shouting into an infinite void that will never respond, no matter how much I want it to. I know that a lot of people talk to themselves more or less continuously in their minds, but I wonder how many have to endure a constant internal war between two mutually exclusive perspectives. A constant war where you have no idea which side is real, or if either side is real, or if anything that goes on can be trusted in any capacity. It's a miracle that I'm able to function at all when I can't trust any thought that crosses my mind. She doesn't give a shit about you, and she probably never has. Probably wants you gone, out of her space, out of her life.         She does care, she just needs space. You know exactly the toll you've taken; she deserves to take...
Read more