02 Apr 2017 - Fishing
Hello.
Day 38 on Lexapro. No side effects that I feel like sharing.
Mood: 4.71. Is that a weirdly precise value? No, not at all.
Today's external highlight was going to Sculpin Creek with Favorite Person. Booted and armed with nets and buckets, we set out to find...nothing in particular, really. I enjoyed chasing after little fishes, and identifying various plants and invertebrates. We even saw a snapping turtle sunning itself on the banks! As is my usual, I kept the fish that I caught - one giant banded sculpin, four tiny and very cute babies, and a fantail darter. Favorite Person talked me into keeping a clutch of fish eggs that we found affixed to a rock, and I'm less thrilled about it than she is, because for one thing, I'm going to be the one responsible for taking care of them, and neither of us have any idea what kind of fish they are. I don't want to be potentially responsible for scores of tiny fish whose proper care I can't ensure; that feels wrong and unfair to them.
While messaging back and forth before we headed out to the creek (it's about 25 minutes away), Favorite Person stated that she wanted to have a "proper chat" while we were out adventuring, about the awkwardness I've been feeling towards her, and possibly attempt to clear it up. I spent the entire hour and a half, two hours that we were outside hoping to whatever higher power may exist that she'd forget, because while I promised her that I'd face my discomfort and not be deflective, I dreaded the topic. There were numerous times when I wanted to ask her to discuss whatever she was going to, just to get it over with, but I was weak.
After I was back in my dorm, and she was back home, I asked if she'd forgotten, which she hadn't. She merely chose not to pursue the topic, because I seemed unresponsive today, and one-sided conversations are doable for only so long. I was relieved to hear that, and then I felt incredibly bad about the relief, as it's wrong to feel better about avoiding addressing an issue.
I suppose that it wouldn't hurt to reproduce the exchange here, so as to not sacrifice information by summary. It's been edited for maximum clarity.
Moi: Did you forget to chat, or?
FP: I decided not to. I do not forget things like that. But I also don't do one-sided chats. And today seemed one sided. You wanted to go, but didn't talk to me much. So I let it be and enjoyed the nature and the catching things.
Moi: Oh. If I'm being honest, I was dreading it. Because I don't like facing discomfort. Sorry I wasn't particularly talkative.
FP: That's how you are, but even I can only do a mostly one-sided conversation for so long.
Moi: I know. I feel bad about liking hearing you talk, but never really having much to say in return.
FP: Well, a response is nice. You seem to respond to other people, like [redacted], and then not me. So I just let myself be quiet, because I do like the quiet, even if I talk a lot.
Moi: Oh. I'm sorry. It's not intentional...
FP: I realize that, but sometimes it just kinda feels like it is. I try to balance giving you space and checking in, but it depends on the day as to how you react. I just base my actions off of what will seem to be best for you.
Getting that last bit made me feel guilty and ashamed in a way that I can't easily define or convey. Like I need to do extra now to make sure that I'm not being unresponsive to just Favorite person...
The two of us set a time to discuss this properly over dinner, or coffee, or whatever we decide. This Friday evening...I asked her to make a list of things that need to be addressed beforehand, and I'll do the same. I don't want to go into into a heart-to-heart without some idea of what I want to say.
I'm not looking forward to Friday.
Until tomorrow.
02 Apr 2017
Day 38 on Lexapro. No side effects that I feel like sharing.
Mood: 4.71. Is that a weirdly precise value? No, not at all.
Today's external highlight was going to Sculpin Creek with Favorite Person. Booted and armed with nets and buckets, we set out to find...nothing in particular, really. I enjoyed chasing after little fishes, and identifying various plants and invertebrates. We even saw a snapping turtle sunning itself on the banks! As is my usual, I kept the fish that I caught - one giant banded sculpin, four tiny and very cute babies, and a fantail darter. Favorite Person talked me into keeping a clutch of fish eggs that we found affixed to a rock, and I'm less thrilled about it than she is, because for one thing, I'm going to be the one responsible for taking care of them, and neither of us have any idea what kind of fish they are. I don't want to be potentially responsible for scores of tiny fish whose proper care I can't ensure; that feels wrong and unfair to them.
While messaging back and forth before we headed out to the creek (it's about 25 minutes away), Favorite Person stated that she wanted to have a "proper chat" while we were out adventuring, about the awkwardness I've been feeling towards her, and possibly attempt to clear it up. I spent the entire hour and a half, two hours that we were outside hoping to whatever higher power may exist that she'd forget, because while I promised her that I'd face my discomfort and not be deflective, I dreaded the topic. There were numerous times when I wanted to ask her to discuss whatever she was going to, just to get it over with, but I was weak.
After I was back in my dorm, and she was back home, I asked if she'd forgotten, which she hadn't. She merely chose not to pursue the topic, because I seemed unresponsive today, and one-sided conversations are doable for only so long. I was relieved to hear that, and then I felt incredibly bad about the relief, as it's wrong to feel better about avoiding addressing an issue.
I suppose that it wouldn't hurt to reproduce the exchange here, so as to not sacrifice information by summary. It's been edited for maximum clarity.
Moi: Did you forget to chat, or?
FP: I decided not to. I do not forget things like that. But I also don't do one-sided chats. And today seemed one sided. You wanted to go, but didn't talk to me much. So I let it be and enjoyed the nature and the catching things.
Moi: Oh. If I'm being honest, I was dreading it. Because I don't like facing discomfort. Sorry I wasn't particularly talkative.
FP: That's how you are, but even I can only do a mostly one-sided conversation for so long.
Moi: I know. I feel bad about liking hearing you talk, but never really having much to say in return.
FP: Well, a response is nice. You seem to respond to other people, like [redacted], and then not me. So I just let myself be quiet, because I do like the quiet, even if I talk a lot.
Moi: Oh. I'm sorry. It's not intentional...
FP: I realize that, but sometimes it just kinda feels like it is. I try to balance giving you space and checking in, but it depends on the day as to how you react. I just base my actions off of what will seem to be best for you.
Getting that last bit made me feel guilty and ashamed in a way that I can't easily define or convey. Like I need to do extra now to make sure that I'm not being unresponsive to just Favorite person...
The two of us set a time to discuss this properly over dinner, or coffee, or whatever we decide. This Friday evening...I asked her to make a list of things that need to be addressed beforehand, and I'll do the same. I don't want to go into into a heart-to-heart without some idea of what I want to say.
I'm not looking forward to Friday.
Until tomorrow.
02 Apr 2017
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