Treatment Records

Evening.  Day 36 on escitalopram.  Mood: 5  I don't know if the doubling of the amount of Lexapro in my system or the natural ebb and flow of my depression is the cause, but I feel significantly better today than I have in a while. It's too early to draw any conclusions, though.  Overall, today was a pretty good day. I had two exams that I was incredibly stressed about, so getting them over with was a relief to say the least. I also gave one of the letters from the counselor I spoke to to my biostatistics professor, since her class is the one my depression is having the biggest impact, and I wanted her to be aware of what's going on. (Favorite Person has this instructor for another course, and she very strongly dislikes her. I like this professor as a person, not so much as a teacher. Never enough direction where it's needed.) She was understanding, which I truly appreciate, and didn't write me off as I feared. She also stated that she figured that somethin...

[insert greeting] Day 35 on escitalopram.  Mood: 3. I feel hollow and numb, and like nothing I do will matter.  I met with my psychiatrist today. After I laid out how I've been worsening and haven't seen much benefit if any from the Lexapro, Dr. Gilbert presented me with two options: adding an antianxiety drug to take as needed, or increasing my dose. Since anxiety isn't a huge issue for me, at least I don't think that it is, I went with the larger dose - so now, I'll be taking the largest amount of escitalopram prescribed. The thought of taking the rest of this month's pills all in one go and intentionally overdosing on them crossed my mind, as such thoughts usually do. SSRIs aren't particularly lethal drugs, though, and high concentrations cause things like seizures and serotonin syndrome, and those aren't risks I'm willing to take in the name of stopping the pain for good.  That I considered killing myself at the lake over the weekend came...

I'm not sure why I bother start with a greeting. It's like saying "hello" into an empty cave; you know that no one's there, and that no one will respond or reply, but the action is somehow comforting.  Day 34 on escitalopram.  Mood: 3.5.  I had a horrible realization today that I am dangerously close to being entirely underwater as far as my coursework is concerned. Of the six courses I'm currently enrolled in, I feel as though I'm at the cusp of falling completely behind in five, and battling depression makes things that much more difficult. Part of me wants to get a letter or something from my psychiatrist for my instructors, stating that I'm suffering from an illness that will likely impact my academic performance, but I don't know that what good it'll do. I want some proof that I'm not just blowing off classes or being lazy or something, but I also fear that my instructors will greet that information with a shrug.  This will be ...

Evening.  Day 33 on Lexapro. I wonder if I'll reach day 300, day 600, day 2,641 on Lexapro, and look back at these early days.  Mood: 4. Things aren't improving.  WHY CAN'T I BE HAPPY?    28 Mar 2017 

Evening.  Day 32 on Lexapro. I didn't skip another dose.  Mood: 4. Nothing much happened today. I composed a longish message to Favorite Person, and I don't see a point in not sharing what I said here: Good evening [redacted], There's a lot that has been on my mind as of late, and while I originally wanted to send this all as an email, I don't want to hide behind a less personal platform. First and foremost, I want to say that being in your presence in any sense of the term - be that in the physical space or in instant communications - makes me feel guilty and uncomfortable now, because while I desperately want to talk to and spend time with you, the feeling that you merely tolerate me and either don't enjoy or are outright annoyed by my existence is becoming harder to reason away or ignore. I don't know if I'm picking up on something that isn't there, or if things have ever so slightly changed, but the sensation is there, and it's unpleas...

Afternoon.  Yesterday would have been day 31 on Lexapro, but I didn't take my dose. One missed day won't screw me up too badly, but a not-insignificant part of me wants to torture myself by undoing what little progress has been made with the drug.  Overall mood: 4.  A wild and very loud turkey tom calling not far from the campsite woke me up far earlier than I would have liked yesterday, and the sounds of nature, combined with the poor mood that lingered from the night before, prevented me from going back to sleep. However, I stayed curled up in my sleeping bag long after everyone else in the quintet was up and starting to pack up camp. As usual, my inability to be of help and therefore position as a drag for the rest of the group spawned a fresh wave of guilt...While everyone else ate breakfast, I did little more than take up my usual depressed posture, and at that point, I had gone close to a full 24 hours without food. Not a good sign, and especially bad given th...

Evening.  Yesterday was day 30 on Lexapro.  Overall mood: 3.5.  As I said, yesterday was spent camping and hiking. The first day of the trip was...queer. I started out feeling intensely guilty, which is always good for my enjoyment. I was supposed to meet up with the group at 9am to head over to the campsite, but because I missed so much sleep last week, I slept through all of my many alarms and woke up at 9:43. There was a long moment of panic and self-beration, because I was legitimately looked forward to the trip and, because I couldn't do something as simple as wake up on time, I was so sure that I wouldn't be able to go. Favorite Person (eventually I'm gonna get lazy and just abbreviate), who was leading this trip and is fortunately not at all like me in instances like this, offered to come back and pick me up after she'd set up camp with the group. I'm glad that she did, but at the same time...I don't feel as though I deserved it. By all rights, I sh...

Evening, or morning; I don't know what the more appropriate opener is.  Yesterday was day 28 on escitalopram.  Mood: descending 3.  Yesterday was a perfect example of things being completely fine externally, good even, and still feeling terrible. I've been on a slow downturn for a few days now, and it seems like the smallest things can spur a further decline. It's cruel how I'm almost hypersensitive to what can make things worse when I'm not well, and impervious to what could improve my sorry state. Today's small thing was having the misfortune of sitting a few rows behind Favorite Person in one of the courses we're both enrolled in. The old, familiar sense of being unworthy, of being little more than a stain on the lives of the people around me, of not deserving an iota of happiness or success were like a stab in the heart, a stab that grew and gradually consumed my soul in a dark cloud.  It resulted the first time in a long time that I properly cri...

Afternoon or whatever.  Yesterday was day #27 on Lexapro.  I think that my mood was a 5. I don't know, I don't remember yesterday all that well.  My attempt to override the need to sleep did not work at all. My decision to load up on caffeine Wednesday resulted in my being unable to sleep until perhaps 4am or so, and then sleeping through all five of my alarms. I woke up in a blind panic at 11:53am (yes, I remember the exact time - that tends to happen when I'm up extremely late), initially incredulous that it was indeed almost noon. As a result, I lost about three hours of morning work time yesterday, as well as one class, though the lectures for that class are always posted online and attendance isn't taken anyway.  After the big hiccup, though, my day was unusually productive. I almost achieved a flow-like state working with a group on a large and complex project, which is a rare thing, and spent a good three and a half hours studying with a group, which i...

Evening.  Day 26 on escitalopram.  Mood: foggy 3.  I've been extremely tired today, trying to operate on far too little sleep and (for me and my heart) far too much caffeine. Everything in me right now wants to find some quiet corner in my lab where no one can see me from the hall, sit in it, and just cry. I can't do that, though. There's just too much work that needs to be done, and crying about it wastes time I no longer have.  My fascination/preoccupation with suicide continues today, and it concerns me the more I think objectively about it. I don't think that there's any part of me that's actually suicidal, and I don't think that I'm actually in a place where I'd hurt myself, but the fact that I'm stuck on this topic is not good.  There's not much else to discuss today.  Until then.  22 Mar 2017 

Evening.  Day 25 on Lexapro.  Mood: 4.6 I'm just as overwhelmed by things today as I was yesterday, compounded by the fact that I didn't get enough sleep last night and am consequently very irritable. There's just so much to do in such a short period of time, and my surefire period of productivity - 1am to 3am - can't feasibly be utilized.  When I wasn't fretting about what needs to be done, I spent time thinking about my "out" plan, to euphemize it. I recognize that it isn't at all a healthy thing to consider, but working towards one that is foolproof and figuring out the logistics of it - when I'd carry it out, where, whether or not I'd leave a note, who should find me - is oddly comforting. It gives me an exit if things ever get to the point of being beyond what I can tolerate.  I told Favorite Person that I wasn't suicidal when I mentioned it briefly to her, but some part of me isn't so sure. This is the kind of thing tha...

Morning, all. I fell asleep while attempting to write this last night, so pardon me. Day 24 on Lexapro.  Today was a 4. Lots of things are happening quickly right now, and I'm more than a little overwhelmed by everything.  Not much of note happened yesterday. Spent a few hours shallow breathing because I was (and still kind of am) very sure that I'd fail a major upcoming exam, was unable to pay attention to important material in a class.  The only vaguely interesting thing I did was pipette very small amounts of water conditioner into microcentrifuge tubes - 175 in total. It was tedious and repetitive, but tedious and repetitive in a way that was soothing.  My mood seems to go from really bad to mostly okay and back in short periods of time, far more quickly than is characteristic. I don't know if it's due to the escitalopram or the stress I'm under right now, but it concerns me greatly. I'll have to discuss it with my psychiatrist when I see her agai...

Hello. There was no post yesterday because I was making cheese, which took far longer than I thought it would. I started around 10pm and didn't finish until 5:30am. Day 23 on escitalopram.  Today's mood is a 3.5. I officially feel the exact same way now that I did before starting.  I made it back to my dormitory a few hours ago, and both of the pets that I left here over spring break - a mosquitofish I named Pip and a baby crawfish named Jojo - are dead, and I feel extremely guilty. It seems like I come back to dead pets when my mood is already low, as though the universe wants to give me something else to feel like absolute crap about. Leaving them here was a mistake, one that I was very stupid for making, and I paid for my stupidity with the lives of two things I loved and depended on me. Every fiber of my being wants to spiral down out of control, to give myself the punishment I feel that I deserve for ignoring my gut and killing two of my animals because of it, but I...

Evening, all.  Day 21 on Lexapro. Wow, it's been three weeks already? Time flies... I'd rate today's overall mood an even 6.  This post is going up later than normal since I got in from a concert not too long ago. Soul Sister and I went to go see this guy Haywyre perform. Neither of us were really all that familiar with his work beforehand, but we wanted to go see someone while I was in town, and his was the only show that was really up our alleys (and in our budgets). He's characterized as being a dubstep producer, but I wouldn't consider his music dubstep. It's all so varied, with influence from so many different genres. Jazz, early 2000s R&B, house, funk, to name a few.  It took me a little while to relax and loosen up, but by the end of his set, my feet were tapping and my hips were moving. I thoroughly enjoyed each track, eyes often closed to more completely lose myself in the music. Tonight, there were several stretches of time where my mind was ...

Evening, all.  Day 20 on Lexapro. I take back what I said about less jaw clenching.  Today's mood was an overall 4.6, +/- 0.1.  Nothing really worth mentioning happened externally - I watched the last three episodes of Black Mirror , showered and shaved (I don't mind the way body hair looks; I just prefer the way hairless skin feels), and made salmon for dinner.  The salmon was quite good, even if I was a little too liberal in my use of salt and of cayenne. Mentally, not too much went on, since I was watching one thing or another all day and didn't have much time to ruminate. However, the indefinite span of time between me being aware of no longer being asleep and actually getting out of bed was decidedly unpleasant, because in those moments, all I could think about was how strongly I wanted to be near another warm body, preferably spooning someone soft and nice-smelling . I've probably said this before, but I'll repeat it here: I hate how strongly ...

Evening.  Day 19 on escitalopram. I think that I'm clenching my jaw less. That, or I'm not really noticing it much anymore.  I'd rate my mood a 5.5 overall.  Today was spent mostly unproductive, wasting my time watching Black Mirror on Netflix. I highly recommend watching it, if you don't already; it's like a 21st-century Twilight Zone , and just as full of satirical social commentary.  Soul Sister came over and hung out again today, which was delightful as always. New realizations of the depth of my starvation for contact and connection always become apparent when I'm visiting and can't get enough of her company. Other people serve as mirrors to criticize myself in, and in her (as well as in Favorite Person) I see, among other things, my recognition that my limited social circle is gradually killing me, and while I recognize that fact, I'm unable to change the situation. Eventually, I'll be better at keeping new people around. That, or I...

Hello.  Day 18 on escitalopram.  Mood: 6  Today, I went to the Museum of Science and Industry with my best friend from high school (think that I'll call her Soul Sister). The weather was kind of crap, with lots of blowing snow, but I still had a good time, since neither of us had been to MSI since mid-2014. It was fun to see what had changed (not much) and what was the same (more or less everything), and it felt good to be back, since I spent more or less every weekend from fall 2010 to spring 2014 there volunteering. We did a nice speedthrough of the museum, going to the exhibits we especially love (like the chick hatchery, U-505, and fairy castle) and skipping the ones long established to be uninteresting (like the Pioneer Zephyr, toy factory,  and bike history). The crowds were pleasantly light, which does not come as a surprise, given that today is a Tuesday when the local kiddies all have school.  I always enjoy the time I spend with Soul Sister, pa...

Hello all.  At this point, I have to check previous entries to be sure what day of Lexapro this is. Today is day 17. I'm going to just omit the side effects section until something new comes up, if something new comes up, because I know that reading the same thing over and over and over again can't be interesting. Not that I have any readership to please or something like that. Mood-wise, today was a 5, but that's likely due to the fact that I was out and about, and it was snowy. Unlike the majority of the American populace, it seems, I truly, genuinely like snow and the cold and all it brings. It's the only time of year that I feel completely alive. I didn't think much about, well, thoughts and thinking, which is unusual. Chalking it up to being busy today. Anyway, I visited my high school, to chat with the teachers that I'm friends with. It was great to see them, and talk about how things are going (both on my end and on theirs), but there are also a lot few...