15 Jun 2017 - Strange Behaviours
Evening.
Day 111 on Lexapro.
Mood: 6 in the field, ~4 in my room.
Today was another field day, only of the more interesting variety. My team surveyed all inventory sites and opportunistic roadsides (more or less places we pass and go "hey that's a good place to look for bees"), and those kinds of sites are far more enjoyable than agricultural fields. There's a much higher diversity of plants, and that greater plant diversity supports greater insect diversity. Plus, they tend to be just plain more interesting locations than fields of wheat or clover.
Ah, I paused for a long while as I was writing and I lost whatever train of thought I had.
The sites were interesting, I saw a ton of cool plants (but didn't catch a lot of bees). One of the sites was adjacent to a pasture where cows where grazing, and during some downtime, I walked up to the fence separating them from me. The level of intelligence in their wary faces as they watched this strange new human approach was...almost disconcerting. I'm finding that my awareness of how cows behave, of their psychology, is slowly but surely turning me off beef, and it makes me a little sad.
Being outside, in beautiful locations, with better footwear (I had rubber boots rather than the gym shoes I wore Monday and Tuesday), better hydration (the water in my Camelbak reservoir was essentially diluted Gatorade, since I lose a lot of salt when sweating, and salt loss makes me incredibly tired), and an incredibly good team dynamic lifted my spirits, at least temporarily. When I got back to the townhouse, and after I showered, I actually made myself food - a grilled cheese with Swiss and Gouda, hummus, crackers. It's been a few days since I ate more in a day than what I packed for the field, largely because of this pervasive feeling of not deserving to eat, of not deserving food. You would think that eating only some fruit, a couple granola bars, and a PB&J each day for nearly a week would lead to sensations of intense hunger, but I just don't feel that. There's sometimes a mild, basal sense that I should seek out food, but very little motivation to act on that.
I thought that I was doing better today than I was yesterday, but I was wrong. Yesterday, I felt ignored, unwanted, unnecessary; I stayed in my room, and stared at the ceiling until I eventually fell asleep, utterly miserable, psyche consumed with images of carving more bloody stripes into my flesh and wondering where I put my scalpel and blades. Today, in my room, I feel ignored, unwanted, and unnecessary; I locked my door, ignored my housemates, and said things to push them away.
I don't understand why I do that, why I push people away when what I want most, what I want with a desperation that I find shameful, is to be connected, to be a part and not apart. I want to connect, and my response is always greater disconnection. Always, always.
I don't know why I do this, or how to stop.
Something my mind has returned to quite frequently of late was a time, maybe a year ago, when I was spectacularly down and Favorite Person listed off all the things she liked about me, from how my pants always seem to fit to how enthusiastically I throw myself into my work. I don't know if hearing that made me feel good, per se, but I appreciated it. From time to time, I find myself wishing that she'd do something like that again, but I feel like the relationship dynamic between us has changed such that she wouldn't want to. I certainly don't feel comfortable asking, asking just to see if it generates a sense of being wanted and appreciated. A sense that is so rare in my life these days.
I'm not going to ask. It'd just be a bother to someone I'm a burden to already.
Tomorrow is another lab day. We've got a lot of specimens to process, and lots of specimens to begin giving permanent labels to as well. If my understanding of team schedules is correct, I'm going to be the only one in the lab for most of the day. Work is the only place where I'm happy, where my mind isn't on what goes on in my mind, but only when I have other people around as well. I love my lab, and it's the closest thing I have to a place that feels like home, but...I'd prefer it if I had more than YouTube videos to keep me company.
Until then.
15 Jun 2017
Day 111 on Lexapro.
Mood: 6 in the field, ~4 in my room.
Today was another field day, only of the more interesting variety. My team surveyed all inventory sites and opportunistic roadsides (more or less places we pass and go "hey that's a good place to look for bees"), and those kinds of sites are far more enjoyable than agricultural fields. There's a much higher diversity of plants, and that greater plant diversity supports greater insect diversity. Plus, they tend to be just plain more interesting locations than fields of wheat or clover.
Ah, I paused for a long while as I was writing and I lost whatever train of thought I had.
The sites were interesting, I saw a ton of cool plants (but didn't catch a lot of bees). One of the sites was adjacent to a pasture where cows where grazing, and during some downtime, I walked up to the fence separating them from me. The level of intelligence in their wary faces as they watched this strange new human approach was...almost disconcerting. I'm finding that my awareness of how cows behave, of their psychology, is slowly but surely turning me off beef, and it makes me a little sad.
Being outside, in beautiful locations, with better footwear (I had rubber boots rather than the gym shoes I wore Monday and Tuesday), better hydration (the water in my Camelbak reservoir was essentially diluted Gatorade, since I lose a lot of salt when sweating, and salt loss makes me incredibly tired), and an incredibly good team dynamic lifted my spirits, at least temporarily. When I got back to the townhouse, and after I showered, I actually made myself food - a grilled cheese with Swiss and Gouda, hummus, crackers. It's been a few days since I ate more in a day than what I packed for the field, largely because of this pervasive feeling of not deserving to eat, of not deserving food. You would think that eating only some fruit, a couple granola bars, and a PB&J each day for nearly a week would lead to sensations of intense hunger, but I just don't feel that. There's sometimes a mild, basal sense that I should seek out food, but very little motivation to act on that.
I thought that I was doing better today than I was yesterday, but I was wrong. Yesterday, I felt ignored, unwanted, unnecessary; I stayed in my room, and stared at the ceiling until I eventually fell asleep, utterly miserable, psyche consumed with images of carving more bloody stripes into my flesh and wondering where I put my scalpel and blades. Today, in my room, I feel ignored, unwanted, and unnecessary; I locked my door, ignored my housemates, and said things to push them away.
I don't understand why I do that, why I push people away when what I want most, what I want with a desperation that I find shameful, is to be connected, to be a part and not apart. I want to connect, and my response is always greater disconnection. Always, always.
I don't know why I do this, or how to stop.
Something my mind has returned to quite frequently of late was a time, maybe a year ago, when I was spectacularly down and Favorite Person listed off all the things she liked about me, from how my pants always seem to fit to how enthusiastically I throw myself into my work. I don't know if hearing that made me feel good, per se, but I appreciated it. From time to time, I find myself wishing that she'd do something like that again, but I feel like the relationship dynamic between us has changed such that she wouldn't want to. I certainly don't feel comfortable asking, asking just to see if it generates a sense of being wanted and appreciated. A sense that is so rare in my life these days.
I'm not going to ask. It'd just be a bother to someone I'm a burden to already.
Tomorrow is another lab day. We've got a lot of specimens to process, and lots of specimens to begin giving permanent labels to as well. If my understanding of team schedules is correct, I'm going to be the only one in the lab for most of the day. Work is the only place where I'm happy, where my mind isn't on what goes on in my mind, but only when I have other people around as well. I love my lab, and it's the closest thing I have to a place that feels like home, but...I'd prefer it if I had more than YouTube videos to keep me company.
Until then.
15 Jun 2017
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