Hiatus

Evening. 

Today, I reached the point of truly realizing that I'm in greater need of professional help than I ever realized, or perhaps accepted. I need to focus more of my energy on getting the help I need, and actually trying to get better. 

 Today, I crossed lines that I should have never approached. I said things that I shouldn't have, to a person that didn't deserve it, in any way, shape, or form. And while deliberately insulting them felt good in the moment, I feel sick to my stomach thinking about it. I feel terrible about it now, terrible in a way that I know deep in my soul is pure, unadulterated and untouched by the depression that I fight. 

 If I'm never forgiven, I'll understand. 

 To the person I speak of, I know that I've tried your patience with me. I know that you've put up with far more crap from me than anyone should deal with, and I know that I've been an awful person to you, especially lately. 

 I know that words are empty, but I want you to know that I'm sorry. I don't know if it's possible to heal the damage I've inflicted on our friendship, and if it isn't, I understand. 
This is the last post that I'm going to make for an indefinite period. I need to spend time reflecting on how I got to this point. 
Until then, whenever then may be. 

 16 Jun 2017 

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