14 Jun 2017 - Work-Life Balance
Afternoon.
Day 110 on Lexapro.
Mood: Hazy, bimodal range from 3 to 6.
I spent all day in the lab today; in fact, I'm still in the lab as I compose this post. Here is the only place that really feels like home to me, even though I can't get in before 7 or 8am, or after 9pm, or on the weekends.
Half of the day was spent making potassium cyanide kill jars, since I'm apparently the only member of the team that knows how. It's kind of nice being the cyanide master here; it makes me useful, gives me a reason to be kept around. Turning basic things into vital research tools is my only irreplaceable skill at this point, since there are other people that are good at hand-netting, and other people that are good at bee ID, and other people that are good with general insect ID, and other people that know plants.
I was a bit sad as I made the jars, though, since I've gotten much faster at producing them, and ran out of paper to make plugs (I use a tightly coiled strip of paper to form a barrier between the potassium cyanide powder and the insect(s) to be killed). Even though it's a tedious, repetitive task, the monotonous work with my hands makes my mind go relatively quiet, which is a rare blessing. It was here and gone far too quickly.
The rest of the work day was spent pinning specimens from Monday and Tuesday. I'm not entirely sure how many insects I mounted, but I went through close to two full packs of insect pins, possibly more. Like making kill jars, pinning is tedious, especially when you've got specimens that are eighty different kinds of small, but it doesn't calm my mind, not at all. There's just too much to think about for that - does this bee need a #1, or will a #2 work? is it level? is it too high on the pin? too low? did the pin go in the correct location? - too many details that need consideration.
Tomorrow's another field day, though we may have a late start, since it's supposed to rain in the morning.
In the absence of work to be done, and I'm resisting the urge to seek out more to do here, my soul is filled with a diffuse sense of nothing mattering. My life, my work, my dreams and goals and aspirations, the lives, works, dreams, goals, and aspirations of all people - none of it. I couldn't tell you why I feel this way, but then again, I never can. The feeling is just there, and with no work to throw myself into, I just have to let it happen.
Since I don't need to jump into the shower and check for ticks today, I think that I'll spend my evening cleaning bones. I need something monotonous to do to keep myself from thinking.
14 Jun 2017
Day 110 on Lexapro.
Mood: Hazy, bimodal range from 3 to 6.
I spent all day in the lab today; in fact, I'm still in the lab as I compose this post. Here is the only place that really feels like home to me, even though I can't get in before 7 or 8am, or after 9pm, or on the weekends.
Half of the day was spent making potassium cyanide kill jars, since I'm apparently the only member of the team that knows how. It's kind of nice being the cyanide master here; it makes me useful, gives me a reason to be kept around. Turning basic things into vital research tools is my only irreplaceable skill at this point, since there are other people that are good at hand-netting, and other people that are good at bee ID, and other people that are good with general insect ID, and other people that know plants.
I was a bit sad as I made the jars, though, since I've gotten much faster at producing them, and ran out of paper to make plugs (I use a tightly coiled strip of paper to form a barrier between the potassium cyanide powder and the insect(s) to be killed). Even though it's a tedious, repetitive task, the monotonous work with my hands makes my mind go relatively quiet, which is a rare blessing. It was here and gone far too quickly.
The rest of the work day was spent pinning specimens from Monday and Tuesday. I'm not entirely sure how many insects I mounted, but I went through close to two full packs of insect pins, possibly more. Like making kill jars, pinning is tedious, especially when you've got specimens that are eighty different kinds of small, but it doesn't calm my mind, not at all. There's just too much to think about for that - does this bee need a #1, or will a #2 work? is it level? is it too high on the pin? too low? did the pin go in the correct location? - too many details that need consideration.
Tomorrow's another field day, though we may have a late start, since it's supposed to rain in the morning.
In the absence of work to be done, and I'm resisting the urge to seek out more to do here, my soul is filled with a diffuse sense of nothing mattering. My life, my work, my dreams and goals and aspirations, the lives, works, dreams, goals, and aspirations of all people - none of it. I couldn't tell you why I feel this way, but then again, I never can. The feeling is just there, and with no work to throw myself into, I just have to let it happen.
Since I don't need to jump into the shower and check for ticks today, I think that I'll spend my evening cleaning bones. I need something monotonous to do to keep myself from thinking.
14 Jun 2017
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