02 Jun 2017 - Scotland Day 14 - Break

Evening, nonexistent readership. I feel like garbage as I write this, but no matter the depths of my pain, I don't get to opt out of posting. 

 Day 98 on Lexapro. I took another half dose last night, and while I'm no longer experiencing withdrawal, the psychological symptoms came down hard. The thought of taking a double, triple, quardruple dose just to make my bad situation worse crossed my mind several times today. A massive dose of an SSRI won't kill me, but it will cause problems. 

 Mood: 2.5 - 3. This is the lowest that I've felt in a while. It's a dense fog of pain, with space for little else. 

 Today, I allowed myself to be bedridden. I left my room once, to go to the bathroom, and have consumed nothing save for a bag of crisps that happened to be in arm's reach. I was alone all day, under covers too hot and heavy for sleeping, miserable. 

 Parts of me wanted to reach out to someone, anyone, for some kind of comfort, and I did utilize the Crisis Text Line for a bit, but that conversation devolved into "but you actually do deserve the things!!", which was not what I needed. 

 I don't know what's on the agenda for tomorrow. If how I feel right this second is any indication of how I'll feel tomorrow, I won't be going out at all. 

 02 Jun 2017 
why did I think that she'd actually sacrifice her own happiness to care for me? of course she didn't; she never does and never will. no one will sacrifice happiness to make sure I'm okay. not even a word, a text, a "how are you", a "do you need anything", nothing, it's like I don't exist, or like I'll stop existing if I'm ignored for long enough. 

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