04 Jun 2017 - Scotland Day 16 - Milestone
I started writing and then forgot to finish. Whoops.
Day 100 on Lexapro. Wow, is that kind of a milestone? I guess that now's a good time to reflect on how things have gone for me on this drug so far.
When I started out on escitalopram, I noticed a distinct uptick in my mood, a floaty feel-good period that lasted about ten days, before I gradually returned to a baseline of sorts. There were no depressive episodes for a while; eventually, though, they began to creep back into the picture. Though it became clear to me after a certain point that the Lexapro wasn't helping, my psychiatrist suggested that I continue taking it anyway, to see if a longer span on it would provide greater benefit. It did not. Eventually, I began experimenting with stopping cold turkey, to see how it would affect me (and against the advice of every source I've read on the topic). The first time was entirely accidental - I missed my pill for a couple days in a row due to very late nights in the lab. I noticed another uptick in my mood, but wasn't sure if it was due to the drug or to lessened stress. To test my thinking, I tried it again, not taking any Lexapro for a span of five days. Again, there was a distinct mood boost. However, sometime on day three, I began experiencing withdrawal, and resumed taking the medicine after day five, as the physical symptoms were becoming intolerable. I never informed my psychiatrist of my experimenting, and never intend to. Resuming the drug had the effect of generating a very sharp decline in my mood. I continued to take it as directed for a while.
Once I arrived in Scotland, and very much seeking to ensure the most positive mood for the longest period of time, I stopped taking the Lexapro on two separate occasions, first for three days and then again for just over a week. Withdrawal forced me to resume on both occasions, causing a mild episode after the first span and a severe one after the second. The severe episode began after taking a relatively low dose of Lexapro - approximately 10mg, half of a regular dose. On the second day of that episode, I took a 40mg dose, expecting to get significantly worse (depression makes me seek out additional torment); however, I saw a resolution in mood the next day. Larger doses increase the risk of serotonin syndrome/toxicity, which can be fatal, so I've been taking regular doses since then.
In short: Lexapro hasn't helped as much as I hoped it would.
Mood: 5. Yesterday was further recovery.
Even though there was a strong sense that I didn't deserve to, I went out with the group today. Dan (Mr. Group Leader Man with a Van and a Plan that hopefully doesn't include a travel Ban) seemed very glad that I was back on my feet; he gave me a hug, and seemed genuinely concerned when he asked how I was doing.
I appreciated that.
The activities of the day were relatively few. We visited Arbroath, technically to visit the Abbey, but none of us wanted to pay for admission. Favorite Person and I wandered around the high street in search of a cafe, but since it was Sunday, most everything was closed.
There were some carved Pictish rocks at Aberlemno. I was more interested in following the behavior of the bees that were present, as usual.
Following that (I think), we went to Cairn O'Mount, which was this mountain site that gave an amazing view of the surrounding area. It was windy, but I loved it there.
We then went to a beach that was massive. St. Cyrus was the name, I believe. There were tons of big, pretty snails everywhere, and several stacks of wood that looked perfect for giant bonfires.
I'm probably missing something here, but I don't really care.
Dinner was a Sunday roast - chicken, veggies, mashed potato, this dish of onion, oatmeal, and butter, and gravy over everything. It was good.
Dessert was this meringue log thing with strawberry-studded cream inside. It was light, fresh, and also very good.
The rest of the group (save for myself, Fave Person, and Jennifer) went down to the pub on the resort, and then came back to the house and partied more. I mostly stayed inside, upstairs, alone. As usual.
Eventually, I sat in the living area for a while. I made a couple of jacked-up microwave cookies for Favorite Person and myself - almost every ingredient in the recipe had to be substituted for something that was not ideal (white sugar in place of brown sugar, self-rising flour in place of AP flour, double cream in place of milk, broken up KitKat in place of chocolate chips), but they still turned out good.
Since the two of us tend to go to bed earlier than the other students on the trip, we were up for a while listening to their drunken antics. It was amusing, and a part of me longed to be out there with them, reveling, free.
Today is the last day in the country. I'm kind of sad, but I'm also ready to go back to the States.
Until then.
05 Jun 2017
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