01 Jun 2017 - Scotland Day 13 - Return from Orkney
Evening.
Day 97 on Lexapro. I took a half-dose yesterday, which went a long ways towards staving off withdrawal. The ibuprofen I took also helped, which I'll note for the future. For the potential to help, I truly hate the way that I can't just stop taking an antidepressant, at least not without causing myself discomfort/distress.
Mood: 5. Most of today was spent sleeping, so there wasn't a whole lot of feel going on. Thankfully.
Happy Pride Month, dear readers!
Today was another day in transit.
We boarded the ferry a bit before 11am. I ate too much breakfast there - a bacon roll, sausages, croissant, raspberry danish, chips, overly greasy mac and cheese, ice cream. Felt disgusting after a certain point, but I was determined to finish the food I'd purchased. The attempt was unsuccessful, and ended up resulting in my feeling a little seasick for the entire 90-odd minute ride. As usual, I hung by Favorite Person the entire time. At one point, while discussing sailing, she made a comment about how she knew that she'd be annoyed with me if she were my sailing partner (I sailed 420s for a couple of years in high school) because she already gets really annoyed with me when we're in the same canoe. I don't know if she meant anything by it, and knowing her she probably didn't, but the comment really stung. Though I've conditioned myself to not show it very much, offhand comments like that really get to me.
I no longer know if that's because of depression, or just because of who/what I am.
The rest of the day was spent slipping in and out of consciousness, riding in the back of a van across Scotland. We stopped a few times, to get snacks and go to the bathroom, but it all kind of blends together. The only thing of note was that we stopped in a town called Tongue. While discussing food, I stated to Favorite Person that I was hungry, but would ignore the feeling - it's what I did for the entire spring semester, ignoring my hunger. She retorted that that'd just result in a hangry me, which wouldn't be fun for anyone. Even though I don't notice much of a personality change, she said that I'm much more passive aggressive when in need of sustenance. The thought of my acting a certain way, and there being a pattern to that behavior, and my not being aware of it just...sickens, frustrates me. I don't like not being aware of exactly how I'm acting, and the blunt "no, how you think you act is definitely not at all how you act" way that she stated it bothered me. As usual, though, I didn't prod for more clarity, or say that I didn't like the way that the information was conveyed. I never do.
Dinner was cold - green salad, potato salad, chickpea salad, cold cuts, quiche. It was okay, I guess.
This evening will be spent relaxing, attempting to not stew in my head over small comments that probably don't mean anything.
Last night, after writing the post, I spent about 45 minutes getting little knots out of Favorite Person's hair, brushing it, and just kind of laying against her. It was an expression of the strong affection and general need for contact that's boiling in my blood at all times, and it felt very good to do. I just really wish that it didn't take between 4 and 6 drinks for me to feel comfortable and/or disinhibited enough to be tactile; that's not a healthy or sustainable way for me to relax enough to get the physical contact that I need.
Tomorrow...well, originally Favorite Person and I were going to go back to Dundee and go to the Lush in the Overgate mall, since tomorrow's a free day. She's going to see Wonder Woman tomorrow with some other members of the group instead, though, so I'm just going to be here. Getting caught up on my YouTube and doing laundry, I guess. I know that she has the absolute right and freedom to do what she wants while she's here on this trip, but I'ma tiny bit hurt about it. Feels like I'm being gently pushed to the wayside, even though I'm fully aware that that's not the case.
I'll figure out something worth doing tomorrow. Maybe I'll have more cider or something.
Until then.
01 Jun 2017
Day 97 on Lexapro. I took a half-dose yesterday, which went a long ways towards staving off withdrawal. The ibuprofen I took also helped, which I'll note for the future. For the potential to help, I truly hate the way that I can't just stop taking an antidepressant, at least not without causing myself discomfort/distress.
Mood: 5. Most of today was spent sleeping, so there wasn't a whole lot of feel going on. Thankfully.
Happy Pride Month, dear readers!
Today was another day in transit.
We boarded the ferry a bit before 11am. I ate too much breakfast there - a bacon roll, sausages, croissant, raspberry danish, chips, overly greasy mac and cheese, ice cream. Felt disgusting after a certain point, but I was determined to finish the food I'd purchased. The attempt was unsuccessful, and ended up resulting in my feeling a little seasick for the entire 90-odd minute ride. As usual, I hung by Favorite Person the entire time. At one point, while discussing sailing, she made a comment about how she knew that she'd be annoyed with me if she were my sailing partner (I sailed 420s for a couple of years in high school) because she already gets really annoyed with me when we're in the same canoe. I don't know if she meant anything by it, and knowing her she probably didn't, but the comment really stung. Though I've conditioned myself to not show it very much, offhand comments like that really get to me.
I no longer know if that's because of depression, or just because of who/what I am.
The rest of the day was spent slipping in and out of consciousness, riding in the back of a van across Scotland. We stopped a few times, to get snacks and go to the bathroom, but it all kind of blends together. The only thing of note was that we stopped in a town called Tongue. While discussing food, I stated to Favorite Person that I was hungry, but would ignore the feeling - it's what I did for the entire spring semester, ignoring my hunger. She retorted that that'd just result in a hangry me, which wouldn't be fun for anyone. Even though I don't notice much of a personality change, she said that I'm much more passive aggressive when in need of sustenance. The thought of my acting a certain way, and there being a pattern to that behavior, and my not being aware of it just...sickens, frustrates me. I don't like not being aware of exactly how I'm acting, and the blunt "no, how you think you act is definitely not at all how you act" way that she stated it bothered me. As usual, though, I didn't prod for more clarity, or say that I didn't like the way that the information was conveyed. I never do.
Dinner was cold - green salad, potato salad, chickpea salad, cold cuts, quiche. It was okay, I guess.
This evening will be spent relaxing, attempting to not stew in my head over small comments that probably don't mean anything.
Last night, after writing the post, I spent about 45 minutes getting little knots out of Favorite Person's hair, brushing it, and just kind of laying against her. It was an expression of the strong affection and general need for contact that's boiling in my blood at all times, and it felt very good to do. I just really wish that it didn't take between 4 and 6 drinks for me to feel comfortable and/or disinhibited enough to be tactile; that's not a healthy or sustainable way for me to relax enough to get the physical contact that I need.
Tomorrow...well, originally Favorite Person and I were going to go back to Dundee and go to the Lush in the Overgate mall, since tomorrow's a free day. She's going to see Wonder Woman tomorrow with some other members of the group instead, though, so I'm just going to be here. Getting caught up on my YouTube and doing laundry, I guess. I know that she has the absolute right and freedom to do what she wants while she's here on this trip, but I'm
I'll figure out something worth doing tomorrow. Maybe I'll have more cider or something.
Until then.
01 Jun 2017
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