24 May 2017 - Scotland Day 05 - Glen Clova Hill "Walk"
Evening.
Day 89 with Lexapro. I'm weighing the cost/benefits of stopping it cold turkey again, but I don't know if I can handle withdrawal again.
Mood: 3.
Today, I hiked up a mountain (though the Scots would call it "walking up a hill"), felt like garbage, and tried a cider that I really liked. It was Kopparberg strawberry and lime, and it is my new favorite alcoholic beverage.
Getting to Loch Brandy, 2070' above sea level and about 1800' above the starting point, was a challenge, though more mentally than physically. Sure, I had to pause and rest more frequently than I would have liked, but my mind was a storm of why did I decide to do this?, I should turn around and go back down, what am I doing here?, I didn't deserve to go on this trip. Continuing to move forward despite all of what went on in my head was hard, to say the least. I did not enjoy the hike up; my body didn't like it, my mind didn't like it. The only reason I kept going was to punish myself. Punishment is something that I seek out when I feel low, and since flogging myself is hard to do discreetly, physical torment will do.
I did make it to the loch, though. The view was worth it.
It took about an hour for me to make my way back down, after spending twenty or thirty minutes wandering around what were probably sheep trails trying to find the path. Some bird gave me a real fright while I was weaving through the heather - it exploded out of a bush about two feet from where I was walking, flapping loudly and cawing up a storm. It probably sent my heart rate through the roof for a moment.
I spent the rest of the day out relaxing in the Climber's Bar. It had a cozy atmosphere, lodge-like and quiet with low, warm lighting. Originally, I had no intention of getting any drinks, but apparently Favorite Person had a cider and liked it. The bottle was too much cost-wise (at least to my cheapskate mentality), but refreshing and good. The fact that the brand likely isn't sold in the US makes me a bit sad. I ordered fish and chips, which were also too expensive, but also good.
The ride back to the house was long, but largely uneventful. I had a momentary panic when I couldn't find my phone in my pockets, thinking that I'd left it in the bar. However, it had merely slid out and was being sat on by one of the other students on the trip, so all was well.
Once I was back in my room, I flopped down and slept for three hours, partly because I was exhausted from the hike and mostly because sleep is a refuge from what goes on in my mind. I slept through dinner again, but that's fine.
I don't know what's on the agenda for tomorrow, but I don't really care. I'd just like to spend a few hours processing my specimens, because I'm way behind and yet still collecting more.
Until then.
24 May 2017
Day 89 with Lexapro. I'm weighing the cost/benefits of stopping it cold turkey again, but I don't know if I can handle withdrawal again.
Mood: 3.
Today, I hiked up a mountain (though the Scots would call it "walking up a hill"), felt like garbage, and tried a cider that I really liked. It was Kopparberg strawberry and lime, and it is my new favorite alcoholic beverage.
Getting to Loch Brandy, 2070' above sea level and about 1800' above the starting point, was a challenge, though more mentally than physically. Sure, I had to pause and rest more frequently than I would have liked, but my mind was a storm of why did I decide to do this?, I should turn around and go back down, what am I doing here?, I didn't deserve to go on this trip. Continuing to move forward despite all of what went on in my head was hard, to say the least. I did not enjoy the hike up; my body didn't like it, my mind didn't like it. The only reason I kept going was to punish myself. Punishment is something that I seek out when I feel low, and since flogging myself is hard to do discreetly, physical torment will do.
I did make it to the loch, though. The view was worth it.
It took about an hour for me to make my way back down, after spending twenty or thirty minutes wandering around what were probably sheep trails trying to find the path. Some bird gave me a real fright while I was weaving through the heather - it exploded out of a bush about two feet from where I was walking, flapping loudly and cawing up a storm. It probably sent my heart rate through the roof for a moment.
I spent the rest of the day out relaxing in the Climber's Bar. It had a cozy atmosphere, lodge-like and quiet with low, warm lighting. Originally, I had no intention of getting any drinks, but apparently Favorite Person had a cider and liked it. The bottle was too much cost-wise (at least to my cheapskate mentality), but refreshing and good. The fact that the brand likely isn't sold in the US makes me a bit sad. I ordered fish and chips, which were also too expensive, but also good.
The ride back to the house was long, but largely uneventful. I had a momentary panic when I couldn't find my phone in my pockets, thinking that I'd left it in the bar. However, it had merely slid out and was being sat on by one of the other students on the trip, so all was well.
Once I was back in my room, I flopped down and slept for three hours, partly because I was exhausted from the hike and mostly because sleep is a refuge from what goes on in my mind. I slept through dinner again, but that's fine.
I don't know what's on the agenda for tomorrow, but I don't really care. I'd just like to spend a few hours processing my specimens, because I'm way behind and yet still collecting more.
Until then.
24 May 2017
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