14 May 2017 - Witchery
Evening. I've decided that, rather than fret about getting a post up for all the days I've missed, I'm going to just proceed from today.
Today's day #80 on Lexapro, though I've missed a few doses. Not intentionally, though - it's been super stressful.
Today's mood: 6. Overall mood of the past five days: 4.5.
This week was finals week, and oh boy. Several exams wiped the floor with me; several were easier than I anticipated.
I won't discuss that further, though.
There's a topic that I've been kind of fixated on for a while, and that fixation reached a boiling point this week. I was raised in a very strongly Christian household, and was an incredibly devout child. Believed with my heart and soul. Eventually, though, I grew more and more disillusioned with the church as I learned more about other religions and began questioning the nature of my own belief, eventually resulting in my leaving the church altogether. I consider myself to be an atheist now, though if I were presented with hard, scientific evidence definitively proving the existence of a god or a God, I'd believe again.
However, though, not being a part of an organized religion has left a craving and/or a hole in my being that I don't quite understand. It's a sense of being cut off, of no longer quite being a part of things. Or, rather, a sense that there's no longer anything greater than myself to truly be a part of anymore, that the larger puzzle was merely an delusion that I clung to.
For a while, my solution was to just ignore that the feeling of loss even existed, but it's getting to the point that that just doesn't work anymore. I've felt drawn towards witchcraft for some reason for some time now, as a way to spiritually connect (or reconnect, as it were) with the world, but I'm so hesitant to explore that. For one thing, the fear of witchcraft that was conditioned into me from an early age lingers, so the sense that what I want to do is completely wrong is very difficult to shake off. For another, society isn't particularly accepting of people that practice nontraditional religions. I'm also not too keen on the idea of replacing one god with another (or others) in my life, but I don't know how I'd go about being a secular witch.
I've let myself toy with the idea, of being a witch, but it seems more attractive in my head than in practice.
Another aspect of this has been the strong urge as of late to connect in some way to the ancestral traditions and practices that I'm centuries removed from. As an African American, I have no idea where my roots are, or what culture I'm descended from, and this desire to practice something nontraditional may be an attempt to reconnect in some way.
Today's day #80 on Lexapro, though I've missed a few doses. Not intentionally, though - it's been super stressful.
Today's mood: 6. Overall mood of the past five days: 4.5.
This week was finals week, and oh boy. Several exams wiped the floor with me; several were easier than I anticipated.
I won't discuss that further, though.
There's a topic that I've been kind of fixated on for a while, and that fixation reached a boiling point this week. I was raised in a very strongly Christian household, and was an incredibly devout child. Believed with my heart and soul. Eventually, though, I grew more and more disillusioned with the church as I learned more about other religions and began questioning the nature of my own belief, eventually resulting in my leaving the church altogether. I consider myself to be an atheist now, though if I were presented with hard, scientific evidence definitively proving the existence of a god or a God, I'd believe again.
However, though, not being a part of an organized religion has left a craving and/or a hole in my being that I don't quite understand. It's a sense of being cut off, of no longer quite being a part of things. Or, rather, a sense that there's no longer anything greater than myself to truly be a part of anymore, that the larger puzzle was merely an delusion that I clung to.
For a while, my solution was to just ignore that the feeling of loss even existed, but it's getting to the point that that just doesn't work anymore. I've felt drawn towards witchcraft for some reason for some time now, as a way to spiritually connect (or reconnect, as it were) with the world, but I'm so hesitant to explore that. For one thing, the fear of witchcraft that was conditioned into me from an early age lingers, so the sense that what I want to do is completely wrong is very difficult to shake off. For another, society isn't particularly accepting of people that practice nontraditional religions. I'm also not too keen on the idea of replacing one god with another (or others) in my life, but I don't know how I'd go about being a secular witch.
I've let myself toy with the idea, of being a witch, but it seems more attractive in my head than in practice.
Another aspect of this has been the strong urge as of late to connect in some way to the ancestral traditions and practices that I'm centuries removed from. As an African American, I have no idea where my roots are, or what culture I'm descended from, and this desire to practice something nontraditional may be an attempt to reconnect in some way.
I talked to Favorite Person some about this, sans the racial aspect I think, and while she can't sympathize with the sense of loss losing my faith generated, she did seem interested and/or supportive in figuring things out. Having another person to maybe go on the journey of figuring things out here makes me feel a little better.
In other news, I moved into my new apartment yesterday, and that entire operation was incredibly stressful. I wasn't packed until the day of, my parents were late, and then no one seemed to have the same sense of urgency that I did. In the end, it all went more or less smoothly, and all my possessions are in my new space. I'd just have preferred if it hadn't stressed me out as badly as it did.
For some reason, my parents decided to plan a family trip to Alabama right after getting me moved into my apartment, which sucks a LOT because we will get back to Chicago the day before I leave the country. I wanted to have time to rest and recuperate after finals before my trip, but that's not happening. It's hot here, there's not a whole lot to do, and I'm getting flustered being in such close proximity to my family with no escape. The only upside is that one of my cousins will be taking me out driving, so that I can get more practice under my belt. I'd like to know how to drive well enough to get a license before I graduate.
For some reason, my parents decided to plan a family trip to Alabama right after getting me moved into my apartment, which sucks a LOT because we will get back to Chicago the day before I leave the country. I wanted to have time to rest and recuperate after finals before my trip, but that's not happening. It's hot here, there's not a whole lot to do, and I'm getting flustered being in such close proximity to my family with no escape. The only upside is that one of my cousins will be taking me out driving, so that I can get more practice under my belt. I'd like to know how to drive well enough to get a license before I graduate.
It's about eighty degrees in this house, and I am so concerned for my heat-sensitive fish. Hopefully, they survive these next few days and get to Chicago in one piece.
Until then.
15 May 2017
Until then.
15 May 2017
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