Sleepless
My worst dreams are never the nightmares that leave me feeling thoroughly unsettled for days after, where the amorphous, unstated fears and anxieties I try not to address in waking decide to wreak havoc in my sleep.
No, my worst dreams are the ones that are objectively normal in every sense of the term, because they're of a reality that I desperately wish were mine.
I dream about being happy, and most prominently, about being easy friends with my roommates. All of them, even Dave, who in life is on the extremely short list of people I actively dislike. I dream about laughing, about sharing meals, about sitting outside and watching the antics of the dogs.
One such dream played out last night. The two details that stand out in my memory are of watching Morris (the chihuahua puppy that Curly and Favorite Person are fostering at present [I don't feel comfortable using an inclusive "we" here because those two are doing all the work {I'm somewhere between annoyed and hurt that no one really filled me in on the whole fostering dogs thing and no one seemed to think "hey, maybe Kristian wants to be involved with this", even though I was asked for my thoughts on us fostering and was unambiguously receptive to it; I'm always somewhere between annoyed and hurt on these things, these }]) and River wrestling on our patio thing, all four of us laughing at them, and of being invited to go on a run with FP, something that hasn't happened in months.
I woke up feeling pleasant for a while, looking forward to going on a run later in the day. Then I remembered that the invitation had been made in a dream, not in reality; that we still aren't talking or interacting and that nothing has changed. The realization weakened my willingness to get out of bed and face the day - the world that my mind creates doesn't exist; the world that is real is not one I enjoy inhabiting.
No, my worst dreams are the ones that are objectively normal in every sense of the term, because they're of a reality that I desperately wish were mine.
I dream about being happy, and most prominently, about being easy friends with my roommates. All of them, even Dave, who in life is on the extremely short list of people I actively dislike. I dream about laughing, about sharing meals, about sitting outside and watching the antics of the dogs.
One such dream played out last night. The two details that stand out in my memory are of watching Morris (the chihuahua puppy that Curly and Favorite Person are fostering at present [I don't feel comfortable using an inclusive "we" here because those two are doing all the work {I'm somewhere between annoyed and hurt that no one really filled me in on the whole fostering dogs thing and no one seemed to think "hey, maybe Kristian wants to be involved with this", even though I was asked for my thoughts on us fostering and was unambiguously receptive to it; I'm always somewhere between annoyed and hurt on these things, these }]) and River wrestling on our patio thing, all four of us laughing at them, and of being invited to go on a run with FP, something that hasn't happened in months.
I woke up feeling pleasant for a while, looking forward to going on a run later in the day. Then I remembered that the invitation had been made in a dream, not in reality; that we still aren't talking or interacting and that nothing has changed. The realization weakened my willingness to get out of bed and face the day - the world that my mind creates doesn't exist; the world that is real is not one I enjoy inhabiting.
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