Sceptical puppy
The worst of the psychological parts of stopping Wellbutrin ended a couple days ago, and I get the sense that the worst of the entire process has passed.
I feel considerably better now than I have in quite a long time, with the most marked improvements being a dramatic reduction in my anxiety, a general increase in my ability to be productive, and a return in my appetite. The changes are all very welcome, to varying degrees; that being said, the most difficult thing to adjust to now is actually feeling compelled to act when I get the sense that I need to eat. It feels like I've been constantly hungry since Sunday, even after eating way too much, and I need to figure out how best to keep this in check.
The biggest thing, though, has been noticing just how much of my perception regarding social dynamics has been so thoroughly tainted by the anxiety that I'm now aware was generated by the Wellbutrin. At least for now, the generalized feeling that KH wants me gone is at the lowest it's been in a long time, but I don't know how to translate that changed feeling into reality. I'm working to accept that while the way I perceive my relationships to other people (and, as a direct result, the way I respond to and behave around them) can be extremely volatile and liable to change rapidly, the way that other people perceive their relationships with me and the way that they respond to and behave around me are...less so. Accepting that other people won't suddenly warm back up to and be just as friendly around me because I myself am feeling better has been hard, to say the very least, because I've found myself in the position of once again wishing to spend time with people but being unsure if the feeling is mutual, and being unwilling to push the subject.
At its most acute, it's the feeling of needing to accept that I'm never going to be able to enjoy a level of closeness to KH that I did in the past again, regardless of my own improvement or more optimistic outlook. And as someone whose most intense fear is and always has been losing friends due to some fault of my own, it's an extremely hard pill to swallow.
I think that this all is best illustrated by the way I've thought about a trip up to Chicago for this year's Pride parade that I've had brewing in the back of my mind since December or January. My intention for it was for it to be one fun weekend with my closest friends, and one last big thing together before we part ways and don't see each other for God knows how long. Therefore, I wanted to go with (drag along?) Curly and KH, since they're the two people I've come to be most fond of during my time as an undergraduate. However...Given the recent strain between KH and I, I feel weird about the intrinsic incongruity between my intended purpose of the trip, and the current state of my friendship with her, or lack thereof. I haven't just given up on it - the part of me that's like an eternally joyful puppy is way too excited about the parade and a last trip to my home city to have fun to let go of the idea entirely. Likewise, I know for a fact that I will regret it for years if I don't do this, even with the strain and my still being more than a bit upset with KH for her sustained attempts to coax and cajole and low-key harass me into including Dave on this trip, of whom I am decidedly not fond (which is a true rarity; there are very few people that I actively dislike) and to whom I never had even the slightest intention of extending anything resembling an invitation.
There's still a bit of time for me to decide; the parade isn't until June 24th, and I'd ideally like to have everything settled and in place by June 1st. Even if things are still a bit strained, going to the parade and dragging friends around my city will still be a fun weekend.
I feel considerably better now than I have in quite a long time, with the most marked improvements being a dramatic reduction in my anxiety, a general increase in my ability to be productive, and a return in my appetite. The changes are all very welcome, to varying degrees; that being said, the most difficult thing to adjust to now is actually feeling compelled to act when I get the sense that I need to eat. It feels like I've been constantly hungry since Sunday, even after eating way too much, and I need to figure out how best to keep this in check.
The biggest thing, though, has been noticing just how much of my perception regarding social dynamics has been so thoroughly tainted by the anxiety that I'm now aware was generated by the Wellbutrin. At least for now, the generalized feeling that KH wants me gone is at the lowest it's been in a long time, but I don't know how to translate that changed feeling into reality. I'm working to accept that while the way I perceive my relationships to other people (and, as a direct result, the way I respond to and behave around them) can be extremely volatile and liable to change rapidly, the way that other people perceive their relationships with me and the way that they respond to and behave around me are...less so. Accepting that other people won't suddenly warm back up to and be just as friendly around me because I myself am feeling better has been hard, to say the very least, because I've found myself in the position of once again wishing to spend time with people but being unsure if the feeling is mutual, and being unwilling to push the subject.
At its most acute, it's the feeling of needing to accept that I'm never going to be able to enjoy a level of closeness to KH that I did in the past again, regardless of my own improvement or more optimistic outlook. And as someone whose most intense fear is and always has been losing friends due to some fault of my own, it's an extremely hard pill to swallow.
I think that this all is best illustrated by the way I've thought about a trip up to Chicago for this year's Pride parade that I've had brewing in the back of my mind since December or January. My intention for it was for it to be one fun weekend with my closest friends, and one last big thing together before we part ways and don't see each other for God knows how long. Therefore, I wanted to go with (drag along?) Curly and KH, since they're the two people I've come to be most fond of during my time as an undergraduate. However...Given the recent strain between KH and I, I feel weird about the intrinsic incongruity between my intended purpose of the trip, and the current state of my friendship with her, or lack thereof. I haven't just given up on it - the part of me that's like an eternally joyful puppy is way too excited about the parade and a last trip to my home city to have fun to let go of the idea entirely. Likewise, I know for a fact that I will regret it for years if I don't do this, even with the strain and my still being more than a bit upset with KH for her sustained attempts to coax and cajole and low-key harass me into including Dave on this trip, of whom I am decidedly not fond (which is a true rarity; there are very few people that I actively dislike) and to whom I never had even the slightest intention of extending anything resembling an invitation.
There's still a bit of time for me to decide; the parade isn't until June 24th, and I'd ideally like to have everything settled and in place by June 1st. Even if things are still a bit strained, going to the parade and dragging friends around my city will still be a fun weekend.
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