Vice

2:10am.

 I'm going under, struggling to cope, desperate to be alive and hating living all the same. My life is increasingly becoming polarized between the desire to scream until my throat bleeds and wanting to drink until I'm unconscious, and I hate it, because it seems like nothing I do or say or change has any impact on anything. I'm a sheep marching to slaughter and every bit I fight the process speeds me to the inevitable end. 

I need a drink. 

 I need a drink. 

 I need a drink. 

 I need a drink. 

 I need a drink. 

 I need a drink. 

 I need a drink. 

 I need a drink. 

 I need a drink. 

 I need a drink. 

 I need a drink. 

 I need a drink. 

 I need a drink. 

 I need a drink. 

 I need a drink. 

 I need a drink. 

 I need a drink. 

 I need a drink. 

 I need a drink. 

 I need a drink. 

 I need a drink. 

 I need a drink. 

 I need a drink. 

 I need a drink. 

 I need a drink. 

 I need a drink. 

 I need a drink. 

 I need a drink. 

 I need a

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Honey locust

My world is on fire and more often than not, it feels good to fan those flames onto the people around me. I know that it's not a good thing to do, and it's generally something that I try to keep contained when possible, but I would be a liar if I said that loosening my resolve and turning into a ball of thorns to the people close to me doesn't feel good . It's something that I discussed with my counselor last semester - at least the ball of thorns bit, not it feeling good. I know why I do it; it gives justification to the feeling that people don't want me around, which in turn stems from the feeling of being unworthy of the friendship of those that for some reason haven't gotten rid of me already. Be nasty, be mean, push them away - do that before they have opportunity to ruin you. Be a ball of thorns and be lonely but not hurt, because people will always cause hurt, it's all people are capable of, it's all they want to do. Or at least that's how the...
Read more

06 Mar 2017 - Bruxism

'lo, everyone. Hope your day went alright.  Day ten on escitalopram. I just learned that bruxism is a common side effect when starting an SSRI, which means that the jaw clenching I've been noticing over the past week is due to the drug. I brux as it is when I'm under stress in some way, and there are deadlines hanging over my head right now, so I wasn't sure if the clenching and grinding was due to that or to the drug. Occam's razor says it's the drug.  I'd rate today's mood a nice, level 5. I think that I'm returning to my normal baseline, which is good - I'm really not used to feeling distinctly good all the time, and I was getting a little worried about possible mania.  I don't have mania, just to clarify. Just depression.  Today was a standard, nothing-special day. Went to class. Worked in my lab. Went to more classes. Back to the lab. The only thing worth mentioning that happened is that I missed a chance to get a free mango smo...
Read more

02 Mar 2017 - Grants and Posters

Hi there! I hope you had a good day today.  Day 06 on Lexapro. As with the past few days, I'm not noticing any more side effects, which is better than I hoped for before starting. It seems to be stimulating my appetite - even though I'm eating the same amount for breakfast as normal, I'm getting hungry far earlier in the day than is my "normal" - which is interesting, because one of the well-documented side effects of escitalopram is decreased appetite.  My mood is still overall pretty good, pretty positive. In a couple words, I'd say that I felt playful and airy today, something I haven't felt in a long time. There's a nagging suspicion in the back of my mind that the good times won't last very long, but I'm attempting to enjoy it while it's here. I met with the professor I work with (I do research on a group of bees found in the American southwest south to South America in a pollination ecology lab) today to discuss and begin fleshing...
Read more