Ouroboros
Hello, anyone that reads this.
I'm not really in a state much better than I was when the last post was published. I felt for a while that today was going to be a good one, but the feeling evaporated once I was fully awake. This is the kind of thing that a normal person would be concerned about, but this is my standard; it's the state I occupy most frequently now.
I have no appetite. I very rarely speak to anyone more than once a day. I hardly see other people; days go by between sightings of or interactions with my roommates, and no one seems to be hugely concerned about how withdrawn I am now, more so than normal. They probably are, or at least one is, but I don't see it. Or, more likely, I can't see it.
I seldom get enough sleep, and when I do, I wake up still feeling unrested.
I don't see much of a future ahead of me for myself. There are things that I still want to do and experience, but I don't believe that any potential joy or sense of achievement that I could glean would ever outweigh what goes on in my head now, and what I very likely will have to endure for the rest of my natural life.
Every day that I wake up is a day that I wonder why I bother. I contemplate timeframes.
There are still a few loose ends that I want to tidy up - a manuscript for publication of the research I've done is still incomplete, and I don't want my life to have amounted to absolutely nothing, no permanent impact on anything.
Too much of my time is spent idly considering how best to prepare, should I reach the point of deciding that this plane of existence is no longer worth inhabiting. I already have free and ready access to the agent I would choose, and both the sequence and location have been decided...
I don't really know anymore. For months now, I've felt like my mind has already died. Perhaps this urge is just to get my body on the same page.
10 Apr 2018
I'm not really in a state much better than I was when the last post was published. I felt for a while that today was going to be a good one, but the feeling evaporated once I was fully awake. This is the kind of thing that a normal person would be concerned about, but this is my standard; it's the state I occupy most frequently now.
I have no appetite. I very rarely speak to anyone more than once a day. I hardly see other people; days go by between sightings of or interactions with my roommates, and no one seems to be hugely concerned about how withdrawn I am now, more so than normal. They probably are, or at least one is, but I don't see it. Or, more likely, I can't see it.
I seldom get enough sleep, and when I do, I wake up still feeling unrested.
I don't see much of a future ahead of me for myself. There are things that I still want to do and experience, but I don't believe that any potential joy or sense of achievement that I could glean would ever outweigh what goes on in my head now, and what I very likely will have to endure for the rest of my natural life.
Every day that I wake up is a day that I wonder why I bother. I contemplate timeframes.
There are still a few loose ends that I want to tidy up - a manuscript for publication of the research I've done is still incomplete, and I don't want my life to have amounted to absolutely nothing, no permanent impact on anything.
Too much of my time is spent idly considering how best to prepare, should I reach the point of deciding that this plane of existence is no longer worth inhabiting. I already have free and ready access to the agent I would choose, and both the sequence and location have been decided...
I don't really know anymore. For months now, I've felt like my mind has already died. Perhaps this urge is just to get my body on the same page.
10 Apr 2018
Comments
Post a Comment