Treatment Records

My mind feels like it's full of fog, and convincing my thoughts to coalesce into words is challenging right now. Nonetheless, here I try. A lot right now hurts and aches, and for once, it's due to an external truth and not some distortion that my depression whispers to me. KH has officially stated that she'll not go on the trip up to Chicago for the Pride parade that I've had in the works since winter break and have been excited about for just as long. I'm aware that she likely doesn't care about how I feel about it, but given that my whole aim of this trip was and to spend time with my favorite people that I met as an undergrad (and my favorite people that I met in high school) and that I was always incredibly transparent that that was my goal, her choosing to not be a part of this feels like a betrayal of sorts. I know that there's nothing that can be done on my part to change this, and that the way I feel about her participation plays no role whatsoever i...

The worst of the psychological parts of stopping Wellbutrin ended a couple days ago, and I get the sense that the worst of the entire process has passed. I feel considerably better now than I have in quite a long time, with the most marked improvements being a dramatic reduction in my anxiety, a general increase in my ability to be productive, and a return in my appetite. The changes are all very welcome, to varying degrees; that being said, the most difficult thing to adjust to now is actually feeling compelled to act when I get the sense that I need to eat. It feels like I've been constantly hungry since Sunday, even after eating way too much, and I need to figure out how best to keep this in check. The biggest thing, though, has been noticing just how much of my perception regarding social dynamics has been so thoroughly tainted  by the anxiety that I'm now aware was generated by the Wellbutrin. At least for now, the generalized feeling that KH wants me gone is at the lowest...

Symptoms of withdrawal from Wellbutrin officially began yesterday - Thursday evening - and I don't have anyone that I can call on that can or will help make things easier. It feels like absolutely no one cares about how I'm doing, and like I can't tell anyone how I'm doing anyway. It's as though I'm trapped in every sense of the term. I'm trapped in my physical space. I'm trapped in my mind. I'm trapped by withdrawal - the only way to alleviate symptoms is to start taking Wellbutrin again, and that isn't an option. Knowing rationally that the reason why I feel as awful as I do is because my central nervous system is going  haywire in the absence of the drug boosting concentrations of neurotransmitters doesn't help at all. Right now, I can't logic away the feeling that there is no one in the world that's concerned about my well-being. I can't reason away the sensation that KH would be completely, utterly, thoroughly glad if I bit ...

The fog lifts, if for a moment, in burning alcohol and garnet pearls glistening against skin. Clarity and stillness beget by measured pain; weakness as safe haven.

I need to scream. Something, something profound and dark - something terrifies me right now, and I don't know what it is.  Everything in me wants to scream right now.  And I don't have anyone that I can talk this out with.  I have no mouth, and I must scream.  It feels like I'm starting to go insane. I don't like this. I don't know how to handle this. There's no one that I can turn to for help. First depersonalizing so badly I miss class, now this, this anxiety through the roof? What's next? I can't deal. I need help, and I don't know where to get it. 

2:10am. I'm going under, struggling to cope, desperate to be alive and hating living all the same. My life is increasingly becoming polarized between the desire to scream until my throat bleeds and wanting to drink until I'm unconscious, and I hate it, because it seems like nothing I do or say or change has any impact on anything. I'm a sheep marching to slaughter and every bit I fight the process speeds me to the inevitable end.  I need a drink.  I need a drink.  I need a drink.  I need a drink.  I need a drink.  I need a drink.  I need a drink.  I need a drink.  I need a drink.  I need a drink.  I need a drink.  I need a drink.  I need a drink.  I need a drink.  I need a drink.  I need a drink.  I need a drink.  I need a drink.  I need a drink.  I need a drink.  I need a drink.  I need a drink.  I need a drink.  I need...

Having depression is draining, but so is the process of finding a long-term management plan that actually works.  In the past year, I've tried three different antidepressants - two alone and one combination. Lexapro (escitalopram) was the first, and while it seemed to help at first, it was ultimately ineffective, and I ended up switching to something else after four, five months. Then I tried Wellbutrin (bupropion) alone, and it was the same story, though it seemed effective for longer. For less than two weeks, I gave a combination of Wellbutrin and Effexor (venlafaxine) a try, and that was horrific. Dr. Gilbert's recommendation was to take the lowest dose of Effexor for about 5 more days before stopping, but I think that one more day is all I can take. The drug gave me a continuous headache that ranged in intensity from annoying to so severe that I quite literally could not get out of bed and missed most of my classes last week as  result. On top of that, it's completely...