Gel tablets

What if I lose my battle when there is no longer anyone around to find me?

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Monologue

More than anything, this blog is feeling less like a record of my experience than a gaping hole to toss thoughts I can't otherwise express into. Hardly anyone will read these, so whatever I say here is more or less shouting into an infinite void that will never respond, no matter how much I want it to. I know that a lot of people talk to themselves more or less continuously in their minds, but I wonder how many have to endure a constant internal war between two mutually exclusive perspectives. A constant war where you have no idea which side is real, or if either side is real, or if anything that goes on can be trusted in any capacity. It's a miracle that I'm able to function at all when I can't trust any thought that crosses my mind. She doesn't give a shit about you, and she probably never has. Probably wants you gone, out of her space, out of her life.         She does care, she just needs space. You know exactly the toll you've taken; she deserves to take...
Read more

28 Apr 2017 - Late Night, Bee Night

Yes, this post is late.  Day 64.  Mood: ~3.5.  I spent approximately twelve hours in my lab, starting to work at 4pm 28 Apr and leaving around 4am 29 Apr. I told myself that it was because I wanted to finish processing specimens before the weekend, and that's what I told Favorite Person and Curly, who both inquired. In truth, though, I needed a long distraction from the mounting sense of being a failure. You see, from an early age, much of my sense of self-worth was based on my academic performance, and my involvement with things. I had praise for my intelligence heaped on heavily from the beginning, and that praise somehow eventually generated extremely high standards set for myself, standards that I've never been able to meet.  Then, I befriend Favorite Person, who I watch meet and exceed the bar I set for myself, achieving what I expect of myself but am never able to accomplish. I'm always happy for her successes, because that's what friends do, but watchi...
Read more

30 Apr 2017 - Big Long Sleep

Evening.  Day 66 on Lexapro.  Mood: 5.  Warm, damp, they pause Contemplating the state of them And of things  And of rivers and of wind and of psyche The shimmering fish leaps, breaking the membrane  It quivers, thickly joyous, penetrated Virgin droplets fall from above  They watch, they feel, they sigh, Continuing on  Unsure footprints mark their passage  Today was an okay day. I woke up at 1:16pm, a bless'd just  twelve hours of sweet, dream-filled rest that I want to get again and again and again. After laying in bed for a couple hours, I talked to my mom for about 45 minutes, listening to her relay the saga of the last five, six days of her life - a cousin is battling breast cancer, and my mom has somehow become the person in the family that cares for those that are ill, makes sure that their medical stuff is all in order, and she had to make an emergency trip to visit. My relationship with my mother is odd, at least from...
Read more