Treatment Records

I'm doing so much better, guys.  You can't be bothered by the darkness in your soul if you stop turning your gaze inward. You can't be hurt by the things and people in your past if you condition yourself to forget. You can't be distraught over painful memories if you don't fight new difficulties in remembering. You can't feel worthless about your lack of productivity if you accept focus as something that will forever elude you. You can't grieve weakened friendships if you tell yourself they were never there in the first place.  So much better. 

how am I supposed to be happy? how am I supposed to want to keep going? I don't have anything to live for anymore.  I don't have a lab to work in.  I don't have classes to struggle through.  I don't know if I still have friends.  I miss people and can't bring myself to accept that.  I'm not where I'm supposed to be, because I failed to stick to my plan.  I don't have access to professional support.  I don't have the will to take any more antidepressant than what is necessary to stave off withdrawal.  I don't like anything about myself. I don't have any redeeming qualities. Loving bees isn't enough. how am I supposed to be happy?

1. Shotgun, head - 99% - 1.7 min  2. Toxins, cyanide - 97% - 1.8 min 3. Gunshot, head - 97% - 2.5 min 4. Shotgun, chest - 96.4% - 1.4 min 5. Explosives - 96.4% - 1.6 min 6. Impact, train - 96.2% - 17.9 min 7. Impact, great height - 93.4% - 4.6 min 8. Gunshot, chest - 89.5% - 7 min 9. Hanging - 89.5% - 7 min 10. Impact, car crash - 78.5% - 20 min 11.  Toxins, household - 77.5% - 24 min 12. Fire, self immolation - 76.5% - 57 min 13. Fire, structure - 73% - 52.5 min 14. Toxins, carbon monoxide - 71% - 21.5 min 15. Impact, automobile - 70% - 19 min 16. Electrocution - 65.5% - 2.4 min 17. Gunshot, abdomen - 65% - 69 min 18. Drowning, ocean/lake - 63% - 18.5 min 19. Stabbing, chest - 58.5% - 96 min 20. Cutting, throat - 51.5% - 15.5 min 21. Overdosing, illegal drugs - 49.4% - 116 min 22. Suffocation - 23% - 7 min 23. Drowning, bathtub - 21.5% - 18.5 min 24. Drowning, swimming pool - 21.5...

The rest of my life stretches out ahead of me like a dark, gaping void. No amount of plans can change that perception; I don't know what lay in the future. My life has no structure, and no goals, and nothing to work towards. I'm still just as unwell as ever, with no real access to ways of helping myself. No longer can I meet with a counselor whenever I want, or see a psychiatrist once a week, once every other week. I'm not okay. I'm fragile. I have to hide it. The real rub of all this is that that old urge - that deep desire  to no longer exist is stronger than it's been in a long time, and now more than ever, it would be easy for me to make myself disappear. It would be no challenge to take grams of salts with me, ride a bus out somewhere far away from home, walk into the forest, and be done with it all. It would be easy. I have the means. But I can't. Death isn't an option. I can't do that, not here, not in such close proximity to my family. Being so t...

It's an inevitability.  I knew it would happen.  It had to happen.  There's no avoiding it. And it has absolutely, positively nothing to do with me.  KH is moving out. Favorite Person - she's leaving. I know that this has nothing to do with me, and yet there's a wave of hurt. Like it's my fault she's moving across the country, not that the lease on the townhouse is ending and she's starting grad school. This is something that I've been bracing myself for for months now, but now that it's only a few days away, now that there are only a few days left where my emotional anchor is still in close proximity, a few days left before I won't see her again for God knows how long, if I ever see her again - none of my preparation feels like it'll do any good. I can feel in my bones that next week will be one of the hardest that I've endured.  The loud, irrational feeling that this is all my fault and that she's abandoning me and that  I...

What do you do when the person you're most dependent upon emotionally is also your worst trigger? What do you do when every good memory you have with your favorite person has been contaminated by fear? What do you do when revisiting places you've gone with one of your closest friends is enough to trigger anxiety attacks? What do you do? 

I have no name and I have no face.  I have no form, no person. No abilities, no character.  I have no skills. I have no purpose. I have no circle. I have no connections. I have no people. I have no support. I have no roles to play. All I have are a handful of letters. I am my disorders, and my disorders are me.